Confession of a Ministering Mother

I wrote this a few months back, last year to be exact when I just finished ministering at our Christmas service. Marriage and motherhood have stalled me a little bit in updating this blog, but I am hoping and hopeful, that I will be writing a lot more from now on. The passion for the written words has never been quenched, and I am realizing it even more lately.

So, here goes... 

Both my hubby and I serve in the praise and worship team at church, as well as in COOL (cell group). Hubby is also involved in teaching ministry, while I occasionally help in translating ministry. People either mentioned that they appreciate that we are still serving the Lord or asked why we still do even when after having kid. Firstly, I have to say that we are by no means special, we are not the only family with young child(ren) who still ministers. I get where they come from though, I mean, it is an extra hassle in our already hectic day to day life. 

Parenting here is not as easy as back at home in Indonesia where help is abundant. Here, we basically have no one we can easily rely upon to be our child-minder while we do our ministry. If there is one, it has to be pre-arranged and properly planned. So, in most cases, hubby and I have to take turns, and schedule must be meticulously arranged so that no clashes will happen. Sacrifice is required from every side to accommodate our “limited” availability and even little miss H had to sacrifice some of her weekend time with mummy or daddy. We did something crazy last week and went on stage together and left Hannah in some trustworthy hands. It was a bit nerve-wrecking in the sense that, what were we gonna do if she cried? Thank God, all went relatively well. 

So, why? I think it all comes down to where you put God in your life. What is the priority of your life? Hubby picked the verse from Joshua for our wedding theme, " As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." To be honest, I forgot about this for a long time until just recently when I started to ponder a lot about marriage, family, motherhood and how they fit together in the framework of our lives as believers. I truly thank God that it did not become just a motto, but we manage to live those words, despite all the struggles and challenges (such as a sleep-hating baby, and now super active toddler who left us perpetually tired). Here we are, 6 year in, and by the grace of God, still able to serve Him.

I do get a lot of mum guilt, though, for example, yesterday I spent 9am-10pm at church for our super early Christmas celebration. Will she miss me? Will she be good for daddy? Will daddy take good care of her? But then again, when I go to work, I also leave her in the hand of childcare, where she also spends a whole day without me. And she has always been fine. Why should I worry then? Isn't the work that I do for God worth a lot more? Isn't she in the very capable hand of her own daddy who loves her so much? Isn't she in the hand of our heavenly Father who loves immeasurably? OK, mum guilt gone.

Furthermore, this is also a very important lesson for my little miss. I want to teach her about God and about living a life of faith. One of the many ways is to set a life of example for her. Children are excellent imitators. We can use that to our advantage. If we set good example, they will copy whatever good we display. I want to show Hannah, that living serving God, is the way this family lives. This family's life revolves around Jesus, and I pray that through this, she will eventually come to know Jesus as her personal Saviour. She will not be able to deny that Jesus is Lord.

And when that time comes, if I dare to dream, I want to serve together with my husband and my daughter. How beautiful it will be! As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.

wedding zen

I am less than two weeks away from my wedding day, and strangely I feel relatively at ease. Well I said relatively since I still get uneasy sleep once in a while (which is a huge deal for me who is usually a very very heavy sleeper). Once I was woken up in the middle of the night after a nightmare of being forty five minutes late to my own wedding, then could not go back to sleep again for another couple of hours, which were unwisely spent on bejeweled blitz.

I am also still waiting on a couple of last minute internet purchases which according to the tracking label are still stuck in Los Angeles. Panic time? Again, strangely, no.

Maybe this is what the world call wedding zen, kungfu panda call inner peace, and what I call surrendering. I somehow believe that everything will fall into place. And nothing is going to be perfect but that is life, isn't it? Life does not have to be perfect to be beautiful. 

I will have all my loved ones there, spend the day the way we like it, relaxed and slow. And God will be there. That is all that matters. Though, the lesson did not come easy.

Yesterday we had probably the best Sunday ever in a long long time. We did not do much, yet felt so satisfied. After morning service at church, boo and sis and I stayed for a bit for lodeh, empal and ikan asin at the cafe. Then we drove back to boo's place and watched Finding Nemo in bluray. I've always loved that movie and it is hard to believe that it was made 9 years ago! I still reckon it is the best animation ever. We finished the movie, and it was only 2.30. 

“Now what?”

I proposed a stroll at the reserve just a couple of blocks behind his place. Boo always mentioned how he (sometimes) jogs there and I’ve never been. Why not today while we have time? Weather was beautiful, and we all could do with a little bit of fresh air and sunshine in the midst of the hectic wedding prep. So, away we went and had the best arvo walk. Who knew that tucked away next to the eastern freeway, there is such a natural and peaceful space? Being the city girls we are, we oohs and aahs at the marshes and the duck that lives in it, little bridges, gravelly pathway and basically mini bushland just five minutes away from home.

We went to Box Hill central right after to satisfy sis' bubble tea craving, sat in the sun some more, wander semi-aimlessly in Centro, where boo and sis picked up their sonic key chains.

Another movie. The amazing punk kid Spidey.

Home cooked dinner.

Bliss.

The best day ever.

I won't apologize for the excessive use of superlatives. you can ask both boo and sis, it was awesome! It was so nice to have a laid back day, where you are not tied down by schedules and plans, where there is no rush at all to do things. It is good to be organized, but too strict and you will wear yourselves down. That is where most of us go wrong.

I believe yesterday was God's present for us. I imagine God sees us as punk kids who do not really know what they were doing. The real story is, boo and I fought the day before. We had a list of things to do we're desperately trying to cross off on Saturday. We were so bound onto the mindset of "I’ve got to get this done because there is no more time" and got really cranky when things did not go smoothly and thus went at each other. The day ended in sour note.

This is where it is amazing. We did not ask for the beautiful day yesterday. God intervened, because He loves us so. He knows we were about to break, so He gave us the special treat. What is that, if not love?

Take time to stop, sit back, relax, breathe slower and deeper, appreciate the moment and realize how blessed you are. Look at all the things around you. God works more in our life that we think He is and I am grateful He gave us yesterday. One cannot help but to believe that there will be better days to come He has written.

I think that is why I am not stressing over this wedding, albeit finding two large zits on my nose this morning (eep!).

Because I know that it is not in my hands,

…everything's going to be wonderful.

pre-wedding reflections

I have been religiously following and perusing wedding blogs ever since I got engaged, it became an unhealthy obsession. It is my guilty pleasure. I enjoyed looking at the beautiful, heavily-edited photographs, where everyone is beaming with happiness that is full to the brim, all the pretty details, with lace and ribbons and crystal champagne glasses. Cookies wrapped in brown paper bags, billowy maids dresses, little flower girls with actual flowers in their cute curly hair. Oh, bliss!

Soon, I noticed a trend. Nowadays, people want their wedding to “reflects us” (the most overused phrase in wedding blog world). Blogs are full of people injecting personality into their wedding, which is nice and all, and is pretty much what we are trying to do as well. You want to go to a wedding and be able to say, “oh it’s so you!”, and then giggle with the bride about how beautiful everything is, over your third glass of champagne. Yet, the more I scour those blogs, why do I get this strange feeling that some tries too hard to be different or unique? Alas, the Avengers theme song for processional? Skeleton cake topper? Are you kidding me? Or, maybe I am just being a bitch.

At one point it got sickening. People are so set into making their wedding unforgettable, they forget what is important. Is not marriage more important than the wedding? Is not what you promise at the altar more important the dress and the flowers?

At the beginning, I did fall into the trap of worrying more about how the reception is going to be. What colour theme should I pick? And oh, what about the shoes, the jewellery? What should I use for the bonbonnieres? How if people will get bored? Oh what should we do to make it interesting? However, closer to the day, one night, when boo and I sat at KD’s couch and were asked to think about our vows, the focus in my head changed.

The moment I realized, damn, what will I promise to this man, in front of God and at least hundred fifty guests who will be there to witness? This is the promise I will have to hold for the rest of my life. This is serious shit. I would be someone’s wife in less than three weeks. I am no longer just myself. Do I understand, what it means to be a wife? What a marriage is?

My colourful flowers, cute postcards and the amazing box I have been working on in the past weeks suddenly lost their importance. Sure, they will still be there at the wedding, I worked so hard preparing them, it’s just, they’re no longer the top of the priority list. There is only one question I keep asking myself. Do I really understand what this means? Have I prepared myself, mentally and spiritually, enough for this? 

²² Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ²⁶ to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, ²⁷ and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. ²⁸ In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— ³⁰ for we are members of his body. ³¹ “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” ³² This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. ³³ However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Ephesians 5: 22-33

KD mentioned these verses last night. It’s not like I have never heard them before, but back then when I was younger, I regard these verses to be useful sometimes in the future, which was wrong, for if I did understand these words much earlier, I would have known what to look for in prospective relationships, right? Also, I would know what is required of me, in order to be a wife that is pleasing in God’s eyes. This is His timely voice I need to understand and learn from.

Obviously, I want to be a good wife, a great wife if I can! And of course, most importantly: a Godly one. I can see that it is not easy. I need that smack in the head, especially the submitting part. It is very hard for a strong headed girl like me to submit to anyone, including the authority of my husband-to-be. Add Proverbs 31 into the equation and I salute any lady who can come close to the amazing woman portrayed in it (and any man who can find such wife).

Well, I am as ready as I can be. Lord, the rest is in your hands. Let this new beginning start in You.

On Gifts Envy and Embracing Your Own

There was a point in my life that I was envious of people. In particular, people with flashy spiritual gifts, like prophets, prayer warriors, awesome singers. Note: see how I put awesome there in front of singers? I can sing, and I am definitely not tone deaf, although according to my other half I imitate instrumentals rather poorly. I am part of the vocal ministry and when you think, well, isn’t it rather awesome too? Unfortunately, I did not feel like that at all. I kept comparing myself with recording artists and all the singers we see in the television, concert, or even Youtube worship videos, or worse, my friends in ministry. That was when I started to depreciate this God given talent.

My example is not the best, since most will regard a ministry on the stage to be somewhat prestigious. I dismiss this talent for a reason that totally self righteous and out of pride. I hid behind the reason of not wanting to be prideful when I sing beautifully, yet in reality I was spiteful of the limitation of my voice, how I do not sound like Brooklyn Tabernacle singers (you wish!). Very hypocritical, eh?

Inside I was screaming, I am not good enough! Why don’t You give me something I am really good at and then I can definitely know it is Your calling for me? Why the calling for some people is visible whereas mine is as vague as one driving in the mist? I appreciate that you do give me this and that but, Lord, is that it? I’m average!

It is frustrating to feel useless in the kingdom of God. But, are we really?

We are often trapped in wanting the extravagant. We compare with others and never truly look at ourselves. We are ears that want to be a nose, feet that want to be arms, fingers that want to be eyes. No wonder we never fulfill our purpose. So, firstly, let’s take a deep breath, pray that the Holy Spirit helps us search our hearts and learn to see who we really are, who God has made us to be.

I identify myself with the servant with one talent in the parable in Matthew 25, who went and buried his portion as soon as the master left. He was envious of the others with two and five talents. My eyes were opened to see, this is exactly who I am. I did not appreciate the one my Father gave me and wanted the five He gave to other. How wicked the heart of man is. Envy. Now think with me and imagine what could have happened if he dug that one talent out and work it out just like what the other two did? It would at least produce another talent, right? It would have born result, fruits, yes? It might not be much, but it is our portion in partaking in the work of God.

My other half put it this way: “Some will be called to reach out. Some will preach. Some will be mentors. Some will sing and dance. Some will also be prayer warriors. That’s all fine, good and important. But someone still has to clean the toilet.” Maybe not literally, but you get what I mean.

There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit distributes them. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord.  There are different kinds of working, but in all of them and in everyone it is the same God at work.

Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.  And God has placed in the church first of all apostles, second prophets, third teachers, then miracles, then gifts of healing, of helping, of guidance, and of different kinds of tongues. Are all apostles? Are all prophets? Are all teachers? Do all work miracles? Do all have gifts of healing? Do all speak in tongues? Do all interpret?
1 Corinthians 12: 4-6, 27-30

I’m not sure if you were here when Pastor Amelia shared from Psalm 139. That was beautifully liberating and refreshing. When we know who we are in Christ, how we are so wonderfully and fearfully made, individually designed and knitted by God in our mother’s womb, we no longer want to be someone else. God designs us to be us.

Fellow workers and ministers in Christ, hope this truth speak to us and help us to serve Him better, no matter how great or how minor our role is. Do not be downhearted if our role seems so small or silly. Hosea the prophet had to marry a prostitute! Imagine how he felt when God told him to! My reaction would perhaps be, “You’re joking, God!” or “it can’t be God!” However that was God’s plan for him and through it, God is glorified. In the end of the day, that is the sole purpose, who we are in Christ should lead to the Father being glorified and people being drawn close to Him. I believe, the more we embrace who we are in Him, the clearer we will see ourselves in Christ.

hi, i thought i will be ready to pour myself into words one more time, but apparently i am not.
more activities in... 5 more weeks?

maybe.
will let you know why then.

:>

not me, has never been me. it's You :)

"We're an anchor for those who are hurting.
We're a harbour for those who are lost.
Sometimes it's not aways easy, bearing calvary's cross.
We've been ridiculed by those who don't know Him.
and mocked by those who don't believe.
still I love standing up for my Jesus.
cause of all that He's done for me.

That's why I am not ashamed of the Gospel.
the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
No, I am not afraid to be counted.
But I'm willing to give my life.
See I'm ready to be what He wants me to be.
Give up the wrong for the right.
I am not ashamed of the Gospel.
No, I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

For every moment His hands has had mercy.
For all the love He's shown in my life.
A simple thanks just doesn't say how i'm feeling.
I get tears in my eyes.
And as for me, I'm gonna keep on believing.
In the one who's been so faithful to me.
I'm not out to please this whole world around me.
I've got my mind on eternity.

That's why I am not ashamed of the Gospel.
the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
No, I am not afraid to be counted.
But I'm willing to give my life.
See I'm ready to be what He wants me to be.
Give up the wrong for the right.
I am not ashamed of the Gospel.
No, I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

I've got too much behind me to let this world blind me.
Maybe to some He's just a name.
But to me, He's my everything.
I am not ashamed of the Gospel.
I am not ashamed of the Gospel.
I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Jesus Christ."

two days away from singing this song. at first i believe that you need a strong conviction to sing such lyrics. you need true faith to claim that "I am not ashamed of the Gospel". this must be the song of a strong Christian. i tried hard to be worthy of this song. and failed miserably.

now i look at it differently. "for every moment" it said, that "His hands has had mercy."

Whose?
HIS.

somehow, amidst all the things that upset me lately, this mini revelation brings a new hope. you don't have to try to be great or strong or whatever. you can leave that to God. He will use you in His special way, because he knitted us as individual and special. God will not deal with me the same way He deals with you. at least that is what i believe. surrender to His Holy Spirit, and He will surely show the way.

there are still a couple of days left of the prayer. i missed out on quite a lot due to laziness, tiredness and sickness, yet i don't want to miss out on His blessing. mild temperature, puffy eyes and light headiness might have stopped me from going to work today, but i will come to God tonight and apologize for being such a sookie lala. i want to stop complaining and start surrendering. and have obedience.

i'm still strong headed, and lately has gotten a bit spoiled. so blessed to have a partner who likes to rebuke and drag me up. it is not going to be easy and it is not like flipping a switch. the change in heart, maybe is like one. but how to carry it out in this life, where i am kind of spiritually dormant at the moment, will need a process.

so, i am crawling down the narrow way, but not giving up. if you can't run, walk. if you can't walk, crawl. then eventually i want to get up and start walking and running again. i just want to make sure i am still heading there. to Jesus.

i believe in my God. His grace is sufficient for me. i am weak but He is strong. God is faithful and i am gonna keep on believing. circumstances will pass. i don't want to be in this rut forever. but the same faith is to keep. one day, even when life is being so awesome, i will still know that You are God.

this song is amazing.
my God is amazing.

Perseverance

Morning! Be careful when you say something to God.

When it is according to His will, He will make it come true. I said last night in FA that sometimes i feel that when i wake up in the wee hours of the morning, just before dawn, around 4 or 5, i felt that it's God calling me and compelling me to pray. So far i ignored, and failed to obey. What i usually did was go to the toilet, did my business and go back to sleep. Or browse the net with my ipad. Or worse, read manga online.

And as you read the time of this post, it happens this morning. So, not wanting to be without integrity, i pulled myself together, and grabbed my bible. I can't go back against my own words, can i? It's a promise. Made to God, in front of everyone. I did say that next time God wakes me up early again, i will answer Him, and oh boy, He did not take His time. That is our God, longing deeply to commune with us, to talk to us. Why? Because He loves us so. I was hit by a guilty pang when i heard last week's sermon. God, who is in me, has been calling me to go back to Him. Again. And again.

I have had trouble sleeping for the past few months. Sometimes i will wake up in the middle of the night (or morning) with no apparent reason. Initially, i attributed it to stress from wedding preparation, yet i know, it is not just that. God wants me. God wants me to surrender my stress to Him. Yes, i do pray, but do i pray as yearningly to Him as i was last year? I'm afraid not. The wedding is a blessing and a curse. Sure it is one of the happiest moment in my life, i'm marrying my beloved soon. And this supposedly happy occasion dragged me down the spiral. I know for myself now that bridezilla does exist. I am one. What i'm trying to say is, sadly, it drags me away from God. I reverted back to my proud old self. I can do it, i can organise a wedding, yeah sure. I don't need God to help me with this. Of course, i didn't say it out loud, but that was my attitude. I lost my purpose. Now i seemingly live for the wedding. I hate it. I hate myself for being such a prude.

Did i do anything about it though? That is where i went wrong. I know what i ought to do. Surrender all to God, rely on Him even more, with all these flowers, dress and cake business. I did not do it. I ignored. Stephen's sharing about surrendering to God humbled me. I am amazed by the extent of His grace. Christy was right. His grace is always there for those who repents. Over the course of my christian life, i dunno how many times i've repented, and always, by grace.

"i just can't give up now.
I've come so far from where i started from.
Nobody told me that it would be easy.
But i dont believe He brought me this far to leave me"

It's an old song, from Mary Mary, been playing in my head for weeks. It kept me going, the hope in God. So yeah, this is where i am at the moment, trying to pick myself off the ground again.

And i know i am not alone. My God is with me. He is my strength, my hope, my joy. I am dearly loved.

Thank you Father :3

Everyone has problem. This is mine. Whatever yours is, God is with you, friend. You are dearly loved. Don't give up.