Confession of a Ministering Mother

I wrote this a few months back, last year to be exact when I just finished ministering at our Christmas service. Marriage and motherhood have stalled me a little bit in updating this blog, but I am hoping and hopeful, that I will be writing a lot more from now on. The passion for the written words has never been quenched, and I am realizing it even more lately.

So, here goes... 

Both my hubby and I serve in the praise and worship team at church, as well as in COOL (cell group). Hubby is also involved in teaching ministry, while I occasionally help in translating ministry. People either mentioned that they appreciate that we are still serving the Lord or asked why we still do even when after having kid. Firstly, I have to say that we are by no means special, we are not the only family with young child(ren) who still ministers. I get where they come from though, I mean, it is an extra hassle in our already hectic day to day life. 

Parenting here is not as easy as back at home in Indonesia where help is abundant. Here, we basically have no one we can easily rely upon to be our child-minder while we do our ministry. If there is one, it has to be pre-arranged and properly planned. So, in most cases, hubby and I have to take turns, and schedule must be meticulously arranged so that no clashes will happen. Sacrifice is required from every side to accommodate our “limited” availability and even little miss H had to sacrifice some of her weekend time with mummy or daddy. We did something crazy last week and went on stage together and left Hannah in some trustworthy hands. It was a bit nerve-wrecking in the sense that, what were we gonna do if she cried? Thank God, all went relatively well. 

So, why? I think it all comes down to where you put God in your life. What is the priority of your life? Hubby picked the verse from Joshua for our wedding theme, " As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." To be honest, I forgot about this for a long time until just recently when I started to ponder a lot about marriage, family, motherhood and how they fit together in the framework of our lives as believers. I truly thank God that it did not become just a motto, but we manage to live those words, despite all the struggles and challenges (such as a sleep-hating baby, and now super active toddler who left us perpetually tired). Here we are, 6 year in, and by the grace of God, still able to serve Him.

I do get a lot of mum guilt, though, for example, yesterday I spent 9am-10pm at church for our super early Christmas celebration. Will she miss me? Will she be good for daddy? Will daddy take good care of her? But then again, when I go to work, I also leave her in the hand of childcare, where she also spends a whole day without me. And she has always been fine. Why should I worry then? Isn't the work that I do for God worth a lot more? Isn't she in the very capable hand of her own daddy who loves her so much? Isn't she in the hand of our heavenly Father who loves immeasurably? OK, mum guilt gone.

Furthermore, this is also a very important lesson for my little miss. I want to teach her about God and about living a life of faith. One of the many ways is to set a life of example for her. Children are excellent imitators. We can use that to our advantage. If we set good example, they will copy whatever good we display. I want to show Hannah, that living serving God, is the way this family lives. This family's life revolves around Jesus, and I pray that through this, she will eventually come to know Jesus as her personal Saviour. She will not be able to deny that Jesus is Lord.

And when that time comes, if I dare to dream, I want to serve together with my husband and my daughter. How beautiful it will be! As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.

wedding zen

I am less than two weeks away from my wedding day, and strangely I feel relatively at ease. Well I said relatively since I still get uneasy sleep once in a while (which is a huge deal for me who is usually a very very heavy sleeper). Once I was woken up in the middle of the night after a nightmare of being forty five minutes late to my own wedding, then could not go back to sleep again for another couple of hours, which were unwisely spent on bejeweled blitz.

I am also still waiting on a couple of last minute internet purchases which according to the tracking label are still stuck in Los Angeles. Panic time? Again, strangely, no.

Maybe this is what the world call wedding zen, kungfu panda call inner peace, and what I call surrendering. I somehow believe that everything will fall into place. And nothing is going to be perfect but that is life, isn't it? Life does not have to be perfect to be beautiful. 

I will have all my loved ones there, spend the day the way we like it, relaxed and slow. And God will be there. That is all that matters. Though, the lesson did not come easy.

Yesterday we had probably the best Sunday ever in a long long time. We did not do much, yet felt so satisfied. After morning service at church, boo and sis and I stayed for a bit for lodeh, empal and ikan asin at the cafe. Then we drove back to boo's place and watched Finding Nemo in bluray. I've always loved that movie and it is hard to believe that it was made 9 years ago! I still reckon it is the best animation ever. We finished the movie, and it was only 2.30. 

“Now what?”

I proposed a stroll at the reserve just a couple of blocks behind his place. Boo always mentioned how he (sometimes) jogs there and I’ve never been. Why not today while we have time? Weather was beautiful, and we all could do with a little bit of fresh air and sunshine in the midst of the hectic wedding prep. So, away we went and had the best arvo walk. Who knew that tucked away next to the eastern freeway, there is such a natural and peaceful space? Being the city girls we are, we oohs and aahs at the marshes and the duck that lives in it, little bridges, gravelly pathway and basically mini bushland just five minutes away from home.

We went to Box Hill central right after to satisfy sis' bubble tea craving, sat in the sun some more, wander semi-aimlessly in Centro, where boo and sis picked up their sonic key chains.

Another movie. The amazing punk kid Spidey.

Home cooked dinner.

Bliss.

The best day ever.

I won't apologize for the excessive use of superlatives. you can ask both boo and sis, it was awesome! It was so nice to have a laid back day, where you are not tied down by schedules and plans, where there is no rush at all to do things. It is good to be organized, but too strict and you will wear yourselves down. That is where most of us go wrong.

I believe yesterday was God's present for us. I imagine God sees us as punk kids who do not really know what they were doing. The real story is, boo and I fought the day before. We had a list of things to do we're desperately trying to cross off on Saturday. We were so bound onto the mindset of "I’ve got to get this done because there is no more time" and got really cranky when things did not go smoothly and thus went at each other. The day ended in sour note.

This is where it is amazing. We did not ask for the beautiful day yesterday. God intervened, because He loves us so. He knows we were about to break, so He gave us the special treat. What is that, if not love?

Take time to stop, sit back, relax, breathe slower and deeper, appreciate the moment and realize how blessed you are. Look at all the things around you. God works more in our life that we think He is and I am grateful He gave us yesterday. One cannot help but to believe that there will be better days to come He has written.

I think that is why I am not stressing over this wedding, albeit finding two large zits on my nose this morning (eep!).

Because I know that it is not in my hands,

…everything's going to be wonderful.

pre-wedding reflections

I have been religiously following and perusing wedding blogs ever since I got engaged, it became an unhealthy obsession. It is my guilty pleasure. I enjoyed looking at the beautiful, heavily-edited photographs, where everyone is beaming with happiness that is full to the brim, all the pretty details, with lace and ribbons and crystal champagne glasses. Cookies wrapped in brown paper bags, billowy maids dresses, little flower girls with actual flowers in their cute curly hair. Oh, bliss!

Soon, I noticed a trend. Nowadays, people want their wedding to “reflects us” (the most overused phrase in wedding blog world). Blogs are full of people injecting personality into their wedding, which is nice and all, and is pretty much what we are trying to do as well. You want to go to a wedding and be able to say, “oh it’s so you!”, and then giggle with the bride about how beautiful everything is, over your third glass of champagne. Yet, the more I scour those blogs, why do I get this strange feeling that some tries too hard to be different or unique? Alas, the Avengers theme song for processional? Skeleton cake topper? Are you kidding me? Or, maybe I am just being a bitch.

At one point it got sickening. People are so set into making their wedding unforgettable, they forget what is important. Is not marriage more important than the wedding? Is not what you promise at the altar more important the dress and the flowers?

At the beginning, I did fall into the trap of worrying more about how the reception is going to be. What colour theme should I pick? And oh, what about the shoes, the jewellery? What should I use for the bonbonnieres? How if people will get bored? Oh what should we do to make it interesting? However, closer to the day, one night, when boo and I sat at KD’s couch and were asked to think about our vows, the focus in my head changed.

The moment I realized, damn, what will I promise to this man, in front of God and at least hundred fifty guests who will be there to witness? This is the promise I will have to hold for the rest of my life. This is serious shit. I would be someone’s wife in less than three weeks. I am no longer just myself. Do I understand, what it means to be a wife? What a marriage is?

My colourful flowers, cute postcards and the amazing box I have been working on in the past weeks suddenly lost their importance. Sure, they will still be there at the wedding, I worked so hard preparing them, it’s just, they’re no longer the top of the priority list. There is only one question I keep asking myself. Do I really understand what this means? Have I prepared myself, mentally and spiritually, enough for this? 

²² Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ²⁶ to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, ²⁷ and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. ²⁸ In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— ³⁰ for we are members of his body. ³¹ “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” ³² This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. ³³ However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Ephesians 5: 22-33

KD mentioned these verses last night. It’s not like I have never heard them before, but back then when I was younger, I regard these verses to be useful sometimes in the future, which was wrong, for if I did understand these words much earlier, I would have known what to look for in prospective relationships, right? Also, I would know what is required of me, in order to be a wife that is pleasing in God’s eyes. This is His timely voice I need to understand and learn from.

Obviously, I want to be a good wife, a great wife if I can! And of course, most importantly: a Godly one. I can see that it is not easy. I need that smack in the head, especially the submitting part. It is very hard for a strong headed girl like me to submit to anyone, including the authority of my husband-to-be. Add Proverbs 31 into the equation and I salute any lady who can come close to the amazing woman portrayed in it (and any man who can find such wife).

Well, I am as ready as I can be. Lord, the rest is in your hands. Let this new beginning start in You.

On Gifts Envy and Embracing Your Own

There was a point in my life that I was envious of people. In particular, people with flashy spiritual gifts, like prophets, prayer warriors, awesome singers. Note: see how I put awesome there in front of singers? I can sing, and I am definitely not tone deaf, although according to my other half I imitate instrumentals rather poorly. I am part of the vocal ministry and when you think, well, isn’t it rather awesome too? Unfortunately, I did not feel like that at all. I kept comparing myself with recording artists and all the singers we see in the television, concert, or even Youtube worship videos, or worse, my friends in ministry. That was when I started to depreciate this God given talent.

My example is not the best, since most will regard a ministry on the stage to be somewhat prestigious. I dismiss this talent for a reason that totally self righteous and out of pride. I hid behind the reason of not wanting to be prideful when I sing beautifully, yet in reality I was spiteful of the limitation of my voice, how I do not sound like Brooklyn Tabernacle singers (you wish!). Very hypocritical, eh?

Inside I was screaming, I am not good enough! Why don’t You give me something I am really good at and then I can definitely know it is Your calling for me? Why the calling for some people is visible whereas mine is as vague as one driving in the mist? I appreciate that you do give me this and that but, Lord, is that it? I’m average!

It is frustrating to feel useless in the kingdom of God. But, are we really?

We are often trapped in wanting the extravagant. We compare with others and never truly look at ourselves. We are ears that want to be a nose, feet that want to be arms, fingers that want to be eyes. No wonder we never fulfill our purpose. So, firstly, let’s take a deep breath, pray that the Holy Spirit helps us search our hearts and learn to see who we really are, who God has made us to be.

I identify myself with the servant with one talent in the parable in Matthew 25, who went and buried his portion as soon as the master left. He was envious of the others with two and five talents. My eyes were opened to see, this is exactly who I am. I did not appreciate the one my Father gave me and wanted the five He gave to other. How wicked the heart of man is. Envy. Now think with me and imagine what could have happened if he dug that one talent out and work it out just like what the other two did? It would at least produce another talent, right? It would have born result, fruits, yes? It might not be much, but it is our portion in partaking in the work of God.

My other half put it this way: “Some will be called to reach out. Some will preach. Some will be mentors. Some will sing and dance. Some will also be prayer warriors. That’s all fine, good and important. But someone still has to clean the toilet.” Maybe not literally, but you get what I mean.

There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit distributes them. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord.  There are different kinds of working, but in all of them and in everyone it is the same God at work.

Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.  And God has placed in the church first of all apostles, second prophets, third teachers, then miracles, then gifts of healing, of helping, of guidance, and of different kinds of tongues. Are all apostles? Are all prophets? Are all teachers? Do all work miracles? Do all have gifts of healing? Do all speak in tongues? Do all interpret?
1 Corinthians 12: 4-6, 27-30

I’m not sure if you were here when Pastor Amelia shared from Psalm 139. That was beautifully liberating and refreshing. When we know who we are in Christ, how we are so wonderfully and fearfully made, individually designed and knitted by God in our mother’s womb, we no longer want to be someone else. God designs us to be us.

Fellow workers and ministers in Christ, hope this truth speak to us and help us to serve Him better, no matter how great or how minor our role is. Do not be downhearted if our role seems so small or silly. Hosea the prophet had to marry a prostitute! Imagine how he felt when God told him to! My reaction would perhaps be, “You’re joking, God!” or “it can’t be God!” However that was God’s plan for him and through it, God is glorified. In the end of the day, that is the sole purpose, who we are in Christ should lead to the Father being glorified and people being drawn close to Him. I believe, the more we embrace who we are in Him, the clearer we will see ourselves in Christ.

hi, i thought i will be ready to pour myself into words one more time, but apparently i am not.
more activities in... 5 more weeks?

maybe.
will let you know why then.

:>

not me, has never been me. it's You :)

"We're an anchor for those who are hurting.
We're a harbour for those who are lost.
Sometimes it's not aways easy, bearing calvary's cross.
We've been ridiculed by those who don't know Him.
and mocked by those who don't believe.
still I love standing up for my Jesus.
cause of all that He's done for me.

That's why I am not ashamed of the Gospel.
the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
No, I am not afraid to be counted.
But I'm willing to give my life.
See I'm ready to be what He wants me to be.
Give up the wrong for the right.
I am not ashamed of the Gospel.
No, I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

For every moment His hands has had mercy.
For all the love He's shown in my life.
A simple thanks just doesn't say how i'm feeling.
I get tears in my eyes.
And as for me, I'm gonna keep on believing.
In the one who's been so faithful to me.
I'm not out to please this whole world around me.
I've got my mind on eternity.

That's why I am not ashamed of the Gospel.
the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
No, I am not afraid to be counted.
But I'm willing to give my life.
See I'm ready to be what He wants me to be.
Give up the wrong for the right.
I am not ashamed of the Gospel.
No, I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

I've got too much behind me to let this world blind me.
Maybe to some He's just a name.
But to me, He's my everything.
I am not ashamed of the Gospel.
I am not ashamed of the Gospel.
I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Jesus Christ."

two days away from singing this song. at first i believe that you need a strong conviction to sing such lyrics. you need true faith to claim that "I am not ashamed of the Gospel". this must be the song of a strong Christian. i tried hard to be worthy of this song. and failed miserably.

now i look at it differently. "for every moment" it said, that "His hands has had mercy."

Whose?
HIS.

somehow, amidst all the things that upset me lately, this mini revelation brings a new hope. you don't have to try to be great or strong or whatever. you can leave that to God. He will use you in His special way, because he knitted us as individual and special. God will not deal with me the same way He deals with you. at least that is what i believe. surrender to His Holy Spirit, and He will surely show the way.

there are still a couple of days left of the prayer. i missed out on quite a lot due to laziness, tiredness and sickness, yet i don't want to miss out on His blessing. mild temperature, puffy eyes and light headiness might have stopped me from going to work today, but i will come to God tonight and apologize for being such a sookie lala. i want to stop complaining and start surrendering. and have obedience.

i'm still strong headed, and lately has gotten a bit spoiled. so blessed to have a partner who likes to rebuke and drag me up. it is not going to be easy and it is not like flipping a switch. the change in heart, maybe is like one. but how to carry it out in this life, where i am kind of spiritually dormant at the moment, will need a process.

so, i am crawling down the narrow way, but not giving up. if you can't run, walk. if you can't walk, crawl. then eventually i want to get up and start walking and running again. i just want to make sure i am still heading there. to Jesus.

i believe in my God. His grace is sufficient for me. i am weak but He is strong. God is faithful and i am gonna keep on believing. circumstances will pass. i don't want to be in this rut forever. but the same faith is to keep. one day, even when life is being so awesome, i will still know that You are God.

this song is amazing.
my God is amazing.

Perseverance

Morning! Be careful when you say something to God.

When it is according to His will, He will make it come true. I said last night in FA that sometimes i feel that when i wake up in the wee hours of the morning, just before dawn, around 4 or 5, i felt that it's God calling me and compelling me to pray. So far i ignored, and failed to obey. What i usually did was go to the toilet, did my business and go back to sleep. Or browse the net with my ipad. Or worse, read manga online.

And as you read the time of this post, it happens this morning. So, not wanting to be without integrity, i pulled myself together, and grabbed my bible. I can't go back against my own words, can i? It's a promise. Made to God, in front of everyone. I did say that next time God wakes me up early again, i will answer Him, and oh boy, He did not take His time. That is our God, longing deeply to commune with us, to talk to us. Why? Because He loves us so. I was hit by a guilty pang when i heard last week's sermon. God, who is in me, has been calling me to go back to Him. Again. And again.

I have had trouble sleeping for the past few months. Sometimes i will wake up in the middle of the night (or morning) with no apparent reason. Initially, i attributed it to stress from wedding preparation, yet i know, it is not just that. God wants me. God wants me to surrender my stress to Him. Yes, i do pray, but do i pray as yearningly to Him as i was last year? I'm afraid not. The wedding is a blessing and a curse. Sure it is one of the happiest moment in my life, i'm marrying my beloved soon. And this supposedly happy occasion dragged me down the spiral. I know for myself now that bridezilla does exist. I am one. What i'm trying to say is, sadly, it drags me away from God. I reverted back to my proud old self. I can do it, i can organise a wedding, yeah sure. I don't need God to help me with this. Of course, i didn't say it out loud, but that was my attitude. I lost my purpose. Now i seemingly live for the wedding. I hate it. I hate myself for being such a prude.

Did i do anything about it though? That is where i went wrong. I know what i ought to do. Surrender all to God, rely on Him even more, with all these flowers, dress and cake business. I did not do it. I ignored. Stephen's sharing about surrendering to God humbled me. I am amazed by the extent of His grace. Christy was right. His grace is always there for those who repents. Over the course of my christian life, i dunno how many times i've repented, and always, by grace.

"i just can't give up now.
I've come so far from where i started from.
Nobody told me that it would be easy.
But i dont believe He brought me this far to leave me"

It's an old song, from Mary Mary, been playing in my head for weeks. It kept me going, the hope in God. So yeah, this is where i am at the moment, trying to pick myself off the ground again.

And i know i am not alone. My God is with me. He is my strength, my hope, my joy. I am dearly loved.

Thank you Father :3

Everyone has problem. This is mine. Whatever yours is, God is with you, friend. You are dearly loved. Don't give up.

yo!

hello blogosphere. i missed you.

lunch was suprisingly yummy today. and you couldn't feel any better downing fresh homemade salad after a deliciously unhealthy A1 egg chiffon dinner.

i missed writing. i missed unleashing my emotional crap unto the internet. i envy people who are either free enough or disciplined enough to post regularly.

and here i am sitting in my surgery in between patients trying to squeeze a short post, that's probably not even post worthy. might need to dedicate a blogging night.

love letter

Dear Daddy,

You see not my iniquities,
and love me dearly.

You lifted me from miry clay,
and cleansed me from my sins.

even when i stray,
You do not leave me.
You search and call for me,
and take me back to Your embrace.

and what price You paid?
the expensive blood of the Lamb.
Your own Son You did not spare,
for the filthy me, You did not.

i will love You forever and ever,
for You loved me first.

renewed passion

when i received my calling and promise a month ago, i did not understand. i did not know what to do. how can i be so soaked in the presence of God? how can i draw closer to Him? the desire grew, more hungry, more thirsty each passing day. it seems like it's never enough no matter how hard i try to spend time with God. i want more and more and more. i struggled, and never satisfied.

yet God has been so gracious, He did not leave me alone. right after that, KD started his series on the presence of God. was not easy but slowly it opened up my eyes and directed my heart into the right direction. ultimately, the presence of God is the person of God. knowing Him will bring you to constantly experiencing His presence. so i began the quest of knowing God, the very person whose presence we so long for.

i found myself more and more buried into His Word, as i am delving deeper and deeper to know Him more. there is an unquenchable thirst that can only satisfied in knowing Him alone, though knowing Him fully can only happen when i meet Him face to face later in eternity. thus my current life shall be filled with hot pursuit of knowing God. knowing the person of God in entirety.

i found Him in the Word. i found the Father in the Word, from beginning to the end. i found Jesus in the Word, from beginning to the end. i found Holy Spirit in the Word, from beginning to the end. and what's more, since He dwells in us, He is always speaking to us, quicken the Words in our hearts, bringing them up daily, in any circumstances, be it good or bad, happy or sad, joyful, tearful, fearful. and for that to happen, we ought to have a reserve bank for the Words in our heart, don't we? otherwise, where will the Holy Spirit draw those Words from? hence, the source of my hunger. i even attempt to memorise parts of the scripture, although i would be still considered a noob to ko asuy's standard. haha~

this is not something new. this is something we know long ago. reading the Word is something we probably have been doing for many years, although unfortunately without any zeal or passion. i have been reading the bible since i was thirteen (that is more than half my life), yet never with such intensity. for the first time i found real joy in reading the Word, meeting God in them, letting Him speak to me, and keeping those messages in my heart.

go back to the basic. devour His Words with passion and fervency, with a longing heart, with such humility to say "Lord, you know better than i do, teach me" and Words will jump to you! He will reveal Himself to you!

"The law of the LORD is perfect,
refreshing the soul.
The statutes of the LORD are trustworthy,
making wise the simple.
The precepts of the LORD are right,
giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the LORD are radiant,
giving light to the eyes.
The fear of the LORD is pure,
enduring forever.
The decrees of the LORD are firm,
and all of them are righteous.

They are more precious than gold,
than much pure gold;
they are sweeter than honey,
than honey from the honeycomb.
By them your servant is warned;
in keeping them there is great reward.
But who can discern their own errors?
Forgive my hidden faults.
Keep your servant also from willful sins;
may they not rule over me.
Then I will be blameless,
innocent of great transgression.

May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart
be pleasing in your sight,
LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer."

Psalm 19:7-14

read Psalm 119 too if you have some time to spare. i pray you will be so into the Word as the psalmist. be blessed!

disclaimer: this is but one facet of truly knowing God. there are many ways He reveals Himself to us. don't stop praying or worshipping Him. keep pursuing Him, friends :3

love, again

a scripture for when patients are annoying and you've already got a headache, when they demand, when they make you feel like strangling them. or maybe when your boss pushes you around, colleagues are not doing their job and you end up in loadshit of things to do. or maybe when your husband, wife, brother, sister, children get to your nerves.

remember...

God is love. and God's love is in you.
He loves them the same. and so will you.

and remember that...

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

do not mistreat them, even when you think they deserve it.
be a witness of love instead.

No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

it got me through last wednesday :3
ah, be blessed!

joy of the redeemed

The desert and the parched land will be glad;
the wilderness will rejoice and blossom.
Like the crocus, it will burst into bloom;
it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy.

The glory of Lebanon will be given to it,
the splendor of Carmel and Sharon;
they will see the glory of the LORD,
the splendor of our God.

strengthen the feeble hands,
steady the knees that give way;
say to those with fearful hearts,
“Be strong, do not fear;
your God will come,
He will come with vengeance;
with divine retribution
He will come to save you.”

Then will the eyes of the blind be opened
and the ears of the deaf unstopped.
Then will the lame leap like a deer,
and the mute tongue shout for joy.
Water will gush forth in the wilderness
and streams in the desert.

The burning sand will become a pool,
the thirsty ground bubbling springs.
In the haunts where jackals once lay,
grass and reeds and papyrus will grow.

And a highway will be there;
it will be called the Way of Holiness;
it will be for those who walk on that Way.
The unclean will not journey on it;
wicked fools will not go about on it.
No lion will be there,
nor any ravenous beast;
they will not be found there.

But only the redeemed will walk there,
and those the LORD has rescued will return.
They will enter Zion with singing;
everlasting joy will crown their heads.
Gladness and joy will overtake them,
and sorrow and sighing will flee away.

-Isaiah 35-

Jehovah Jireh

my Father in heaven provides. at the right moment. just the right need.
i know He watches over me.

Why should I feel discouraged?
Why should the shadows come?
Why should my heart be lonely
and long for heaven and home,
When Jesus is my portion?
My constant friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow,
and I know He watches over me.

I sing because I'm happy,
I sing because I'm free,
for His eye is on the sparrow,
and I know He watches me.

"Let not your heart be troubled",
His tender word I hear,
and resting on His goodness,
I lose my doubts and fears;
though by the path He leadeth
but one step I may see:
His eye is on the sparrow,
and I know He watches over me.

presence-103

our amazing God is full of new revelations each day. the Holy Spirit truly reveals secrets of the Father to us as we walk with Him. i was so blessed with KD's sermon last night, it pieced another puzzle in the great mystery of God.

i was very tired yesterday, came in fifteen minutes late into the 4pm service, straight off a four hour drive from lakes entrance, with red nose and perpetual sneezing, a broken body, yet a hungry spirit. i was so worried i would not concentrate during the sermon and then wouldnt get anything. i was worried for nothing! it was a struggle to keep my eyes open, head buzzing and banging inside, and God is still so good. His words are ever so sharp, spoke right through all those hazy distractions into my heart.

time for lesson three!

the presence of God is not just "here" in church building, but also "there", everywhere else. is not our God omnipresent? how much will our lives change, relishing on this truth? in the presence of the Lord, there is fullness of joy, thus our lives will be full of joy. there is restoration, peace, hope, and so much more! everything the Word says about the presence of the Lord is applicable in our daily lives, because He is here with us, even here with me when i'm crouching ala "abang2" on my chair, typing this message.

furthermore, KD also said, when we're in the presence of the Lord, we will worship automatically. one cannot not worship in the presence of God (please read carefully, double negative on purpose :p). it is a given. thus, true worship is continual too. everyday, every moment, our hearts offers thanksgiving and praises to Him. worship is our adoration to God, not supposed to be something we strive for.

His presence is grace, above everything. it is not us who control it through our worship, through our song selections, through our mood building. it is all by the grace of God. what i am taking home, is that, we truly need to live a life of intimacy with Him, in full obedience, to be pleasing in His eyes. when we do, man, i believe God cannot wait to pour out His grace to us! He loves us so much, u know...

so, one thing i will pursue, is to desire Him, to know Him more and more each day. to walk in intimacy with Him. to soak, be immersed in His presence. to bury myself in His truth, His Word of truth. to be one after His own heart. i pray my heart will never be satisfied, that i will crave, thirst, hunger and long after God, every day of my life. coz i know there is so much more of Him than what i will ever comprehend. i dont think i can have enough of God.

let us be always humbled to bow down before Him.
worship God with your lives, for He is already here with us :3

sharing from sydney :3

sharing from another brother of mine!

...today i hope to humbly share about being still.

Last time i thought being still meant sitting down in a quiet room and soaking and meditating in God's presence. It was true but recently i received a revised understanding from God.

Being still essentially mean letting the Spirit reign over our flesh.
Walking in spirit and truth no matter where we go and what we do. That is being still and knowing He is God. Regardless of circumstances, location and companionship. When we shower we (our heart) can be as still as the water even though our hands are scrubbing our hair. Even in victoria market, in the midst of shouting and shuffling, we can still be still and be totally calm and peaceful. The key is to deny ourself and let The Spirit of God reigns in us and tell us what to do.

When we are still, we receive Freedom, Discernment, Revelations, Wisdom, Knowledge, Awareness, Sensitivity, Presence of God, Confidence, Humility, Peace & Joy, Love, Calmness and serenity, Heart and mind of worship, detachment and enlightment and most importantly, we receive God Himself. Even better, devil cant attack us or tempt us when we are still in God. *In stressful situation we will remain calm, joyful and loving and we will not be frustrated and be tempted to swear, tear and be dispaired*

The key is to be still and to deny the flesh. Being aware that God is in us. Being still is an everyday, every minute, every second business. Not a business only meant at home in the room, within the prayer closet. No! It is everywhere as the Father is omnipresence! The water is always still as it follows the current. The water itself doesnt move. It is the current that moves the water. Our flesh are not supposed to move by itself! Our flesh is supposed to shut up and let the Spirit guides us. It is the voice of the Father/Spirit that instruct us to move. We have to be still as we wait for direction and guidance from the Father. The Eagle, have to be still as he waits for the Wind (God) to glide and propel him further forward.
Be still everywhere in all you do and wait for instructions.

Here in Sydney, in the midst of boredom and slumber and inactivity i begin to ponder and complain! Tuhan aku bosen! Tuhan bawa aku jalan jalan! Tuhan whats my assignment in Sydney...Tuhan ini Tuhan itu...Then God (i think i annoyed Him) finally taught and told me that it doesnt matter where i am, what i do or who i am with. They dont make any difference. It is God that makes all the difference. The difference is that "I, The Father, am inside you"...so shut up, be still and know I The Father am inside you and in control.

I am sharing this as approppriate because God is taking us all to the next spiritual level. I.E. He is starting to feed us real food.
Hence lets be still and be aware of the Father in all we do.

Finally, i am thankful and happy that God is working and changing all of our heart. We make the choice to run to Him but the Father is the one that change us. Let us all open our hearts and run to Him. Let us all perpetually BE STILL and BE AWARE of His presence and wait for His counsel. All glory & praise to Him alone. Amen.

A little cheeky secret of God The Father.
God the Father loves to be busy answering prayers and when He is busy with prayers, He wont have time to think of other ideas (cheeky ones as well)...:D...so Lets keep God The Father busy with our prayers and intercession. Because if we dont have prayers for Him to answer then The Father become so free He starts becoming cheeky and starts planning some cheeky ideas (I.E. Moving people overseas just because He wants to...matchmaking people.... :D)...LOL...He is laughing now as i reveal His secret to you all. He is adorable! Hahahahah...also...when we pray....be super duper specific! He is a very detail God! :)

Enough for now! i am heading to the city after this to explore more of Sydney! Yay! Be blessed everyone! :D

On a note! Having said all that, may i add that it is important and crucial to soak in Him and to spend personal quality time with Him daily! and to worship Him in spirit and in truth no matter where we go! Actually they work hand in hand together.

S.H, 2011

An essay on Exodus: A similarity between the Israelites and our mentalities

too much of a scientific title? well, the following essay is written by my researcher friend, a good friend of mine. i thought i will share it here too. i pray it truly opens our spiritual eyes to see, and if we've seen, let us learn to really see :3

Have you ever wondered how does it feel to be blind? Moreover, have you ever wondered what will happen to someone, who were born blind, when she/ he received an eyes transplant?

Interesting question isn’t it? Will that person recognise whatever/ whoever in front of him/ her? If your answer is a yes, well sadly, you do not understand the gravity of the situation. This person was born blind so how could she/ he identify anything that she/ he never seen before? As a matter of fact, this is not a hypothetical experiment. A gift of vision to someone who is visually impaired is no longer a fantasy. Many research have been done in this area and, believe it or not, a prototype which relies on grafting electrodes into parts of the eye, which can allow signals to be sent to the brain and be interpreted as visions, is being developed at the University of Melbourne. It is called project bionic eye. Granted, this is more like an implant rather than transplant (google the definition for both to see the difference). However, with the rapid expansion in technology, wouldn’t you think it is possible to make the blind see in the future? Personally, I think it is possible!

Now, let’s come back to what will happen when someone see for the first time. Put yourself in that blind person perspective. You have been living blindly, literally, for 25 years. You open your eyes for the first time. You see an image, a vision.. of something, or maybe someone. You see that the thing is moving towards you. You can see the part of the thing is moving and you can hear something coming out from the moving part. “Welcome to the real world” is what you hear. You have no idea what that thing is. You, however, recognise the voice as the doctor that has been treating you. You bring your hands towards the moving part. You start touching it, feeling it. You move your fingers around and realise that you are touching the face of the doctor. Suddenly, you realise that it is really the doctor that has been treating you for the past couple of months. Now, you begin to relate the vision and the touch, a process which every baby goes through at their early stages of their life. Congratulations!

So far, so good. Now that you can see. Then what? You need to start learning. Alas, learning is not fun. You have been so use to identifying things with your sense of touch and hearing; vision is so weird. As much as you enjoy looking at everything around you, you do not know what they are. You cannot even identify your loves one without your sense of touch or hearing. You need to touch and see things at the same time and memorise the name of the things that you see.

You begin to lose faith in your vision although it has been the greatest gift in your life. You begin to think that life is much easier when you were blind. You can manage your way around your house or even the streets better with your sense of touch compared to your newly granted vision. You begin to be feel frustrated..

It is up to you how you would like to continue the story. Would you take the easy way out and live your old ways of life using the sense of touch? Or would you rather persevere with your new gift?

Well, I hope that I have given you a glimpse into a life that, hopefully, none of us has to endure. Maybe you start asking why am I telling you this story. The point of this story is to illustrate the similarity that the Israelites felt when they came out from Egypt as detailed in Exodus. I have a confidence that most of us know the story of Moses who led the Israelites out of Egypt into the Promised Land, Canaan. Throughout the journey, we read that the people of Israel keeps complaining. They complained that the life in the dessert was harsh. They complained that God had forsaken them, when in fact He did not. They even built an idol and worshipped it, although God gave a clear message that they must not worship any other Gods. They did all these despite the Grace of God that had given them a freedom from slavery. At one point, they even started asking Moses to led them back to the Egypt; to the slavery.

The mentality that the Israelites had back then is what I called the slave mentality. They had been enslaved for too long that they did not know how to treasure freedom. Think back to my example of the blind person, that person too has a slave mentality. He has been enslaved by the blindness for too long that he could not treasure the gift of vision. In both cases, the Israelites and the blind person thought of going back to their old ways of life; throwing away the gift of freedom that God has given them.

I pondered through these illustrations when I was in a car on my way back to Melbourne from Lakes Entrance. Suddenly, I realised that we, too, have the slave mentality. Alas.. I know that none of us has been enslaved by disabilities or physical slavery but ALL of us has been enslaved by sins until we accepted Jesus in our life. Interestingly, we were enslaved by sins without even realising it until we met Jesus in our life. He liberates us from sins through His death at the cross. He gives us the promise of His salvation. He promise an eternal life for those who believe in Him and do His works. However, very often we prefer not to obey His command. Very often we succumb to the very sins that Jesus has died to free us from.

We often make excuses with God; excuses that lead us to sins, i.e. those that we have been enslaved with. Our slave mentality often lead us to think that we cannot escape sins. Let me tell you this, if we cannot escape sins, Jesus death at the cross would have been in vain. His death would mean nothing because He could NOT beat sins and deliver us from eternal death. You see the reward of sins is death and yet, we still commit sins. Such a contrast. And, this stems from our slave mentality. A mentality that dictates us to live the way we live before. A mentality that says small sins is fine. At least I am better than those non-believers, or so you think. Well, guess what, sins are real and those who commit it would still reap its punishment. Take a look at David’s life. He is a person of God. He loves God and God loves Him. However, when He committed adultery, the punishment was still there. Another example is Moses. He committed something which many of us would consider “minor”. He struck the rock with His staff to provide water to the Israelites when God asked Him to speak to it. Despite everything that he had done for God, God punished him by not allowing Him to enter the Promised Land. Can you imagine how sad is that? Put yourself in Moses’s perspective. He was old. He had spent at least 40 years in the dessert because of the Israelites did not obey God, a sin that He did not commit. He had to put up with the complaints from the Israelites through all those time and yet, one small sin (an act of disobeying God for the first time) prohibited him from seeing the fruit of his works. Sadly, in other words, knowing and accepting God in your life does not mean that you are free to commit sins. The purpose of Jesus death is not for us to use as a credit against every sin that we commit.

I am NOT perfect! I am not writing this article because I am perfect and start pointing my finger at you and condemn you and your way of life. The reason I am writing this article is to remind each and every one of us who reads this article that the devil can work in a very subtle way. In fact, it can be so subtle that we may not realise it until we are drown in sins. That is why I am going to leave you with this verse from Psalm 4:23: Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Remember people, always guard your heart and do not be careless with it! Lets repent from our way of life that is wrong in God’s eyes and start living the way He wants us to live. He still loves us. If not, we would not have sacrificed His only Son to liberate us from sins.

I pray for those who read this article (including myself) will be blessed by God and step closer into His Kingdom.

S.T, 2011

Jesus paid it all :)

I hear the Savior say,
“Thy strength indeed is small;
Child of weakness, watch and pray,
Find in Me thine all in all.”

Jesus paid it all,
All to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain,
He washed it white as snow.

For nothing good have I
Whereby Thy grace to claim;
I’ll wash my garments white
In the blood of Calv’ry’s Lamb.

And now complete in Him,
My robe, His righteousness,
Close sheltered ’neath His side,
I am divinely blest.

Lord, now indeed I find
Thy pow’r, and Thine alone,
Can change the leper’s spots
And melt the heart of stone.

When from my dying bed
My ransomed soul shall rise,
“Jesus died my soul to save,”
Shall rend the vaulted skies.

And when before the throne
I stand in Him complete,
I’ll lay my trophies down,
All down at Jesus’ feet.

how can you identify a woman who fears the Lord?

another gem from desiringgod.org, based on Proverbs 31.

First, a woman who fears the Lord is not anxious about the future. Look at verse 25. I love this line, and I praise all you women who are like this: "Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come." Satan dangles in front of her the specter of tomorrow's troubles, but she glances up at the almighty God at her right hand (her magnificent German Shepherd!) and laughs at Satan's folly.

Second, the woman who fears the Lord has practical wisdom. Verse 26, "She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue." We've been taught from grade school on that "the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom" (Proverbs 9:10), so it's no surprise that the woman who fears the Lord "opens her mouth with wisdom."

Third, the woman who fears the Lord is strong. Verse 25, "Strength and dignity are her clothing." Verse 17, "She girds her loins with strength and makes her arms strong." She will be morally strong. Proverbs 23:17 says, "Let not your heart envy sinners, but continue in the fear of the Lord all the day." The woman who continues in the fear of the Lord will have power to resist all the allurements to envy, to desire what she shouldn't have.

Fourth, a woman who fears the Lord will live not for herself alone but for others, especially her husband, if she is married. Verses 11, 12, "The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not harm all the days of her life." A woman who fears the Lord will not squander the family's livelihood on frivolous purchases, but will have the complete trust of her husband because she is for him and not against him.

click here for full sermon :3

love and faith

God is so gracious. there are always lessons to learn everyday if we want to listen to Him. sometimes we just need to drop everything down and listen. sis said, God whispers from time to time :3

i was humbled yesterday. God keeps dealing with my pride, my vilest, most prominent vice. He said, humility is the key. if i wanna soar higher with Him, i've gotta bow lower. less of me and more of Him.

if you read one of my recent posts, i wrote about God's promise to me, that's kinda awesome, since God always promises awesome things. yet, He gave me the second lesson, presence-102, straight away :p

i was in the prayer tower yesterday, expecting great things. i did receive something, however not in a way i expected. we were deep in worship when this thought flashed into my mind. "hey, who do you think you are that you can pull God's presence down?" man! it's so true! who we are to think that God's presence comes down because of our praises and worship? it is up to Him, isn't it? He is sovereign! and, it really is up to Him whether He wants to manifest His presence or not. it is all by grace. we can only plead, ask for His grace and mercy. and we can be so bold to ask, also all because of grace Himself has come down to reconcile us with God. the blood of the true sacrifice, the true High Priest, sanctified us to enter that sanctum sanctorum. it was humbling, really humbling.

so, if it is up to God to manifest His presence, why would He does it so very often for us? i cannot go to any other conclusion but love. God loves His people. God wants to be intimate His people and wants His people to know Him with passion and fervency. God's heart will not stand if His people cry out to Him with all of their hearts. He will surely come down to meet us. just like the Father who ran to meet His prodigal son. we cannot reach Him, so He reaches down. isn't it beautiful?

the danger of being overly "spiritual" is that we tend to rely on our feelings or emotions about things. do we feel moved? do we feel something stirred up in our hearts? i firmly believe that is one of the way God speaks to us, a way the Holy Spirit reveals God's mysteries to us. what i also believe is that there will be "dry" times in the sense that i will not be able to sense anything, although by faith, i believe God omnipresent is always with me, in here, in my heart. this is when my faith is exercised, "the just shall live by faith".

o how precious faith is!
it is "confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."

i did not feel God's presence as i would usually felt last night.
but i felt love. His passionate, zealous, rapturous love :3

thank You, Lord!
i really can't wait for what's to come!

let's keep pursuing Him!
keep adding to our faith with the hearing of the Word and experiencing His glorious love, every step of our way, till we meet Him face to face <3

all the ladies!

A message for the ladies that came out from last night sharing too. and funnily the messages came from two used-to-be-cheeky men, haha.

Ladies are going to be the cornerstone of each family. If we are right with God, our families will be strong too. If we are not right with God, our family will be weak and it will be very easy for the devil to sneak in and destroy our family. Women are to be the backbone of their families. We need to be properly equipped to raise a new generation who is God fearing. The rearing started from the family, and that is why being mothers is very important. If the mother is not right, it is impossible for them to lead the children to know God from early age.

Women tend to be more sensitive to God’s heart and more sensitive in general. Be the backbone of the family, through prayer, praise and worship. Women who worship, hahaha, just like BIC’s ladies fellowship.

For the younger generation, please respect yourselves, and men will respect you. For goodness sake, cover up. Show not what does not need to be displayed. Respect your bodies too. Once your trust is violated, it will be difficult for you to trust God. And if you cannot trust God, how can you love Him fully and have an intimate relationship with Him? Mothers, guard your daughters, teach them well in the Lord. Oh, in this vile world, immorality reigns and who will enlighten them with what is righteous if not the people of God? The families of God?

So remember ladies, you’re important. As important as men, maybe more, hehehe.
Guard your heart and your body well.
Be blessed!