for you who kept asking how did my exams go

2 more days, to the final exam of my life, EVER (provided no sups for me, that is). am i thrilled? strangely, no. scared? no. people kept asking me about how i feel at this very moment, almost finishing uni.

...i feel nothing is different from the usual. no sense of urgency either to study hard. i study what i could and take the rest easy, chilling with nie-berry and elple and h, went to watch a movie with st kilda + mr tant. well... the nerve and anxiety is still there. as soon as my distance from the RDHM decreases, i started to get palpitations, clammy hands, and tremors, adrenaline kicking in, ready to fight or flight.

but somehow, yesterday's treatment planning vi-vo went better than i expected, at least better than the first day patient presentation.

firstly, i was sitting down snuggly on a chair instead standing up. it does make a difference! at least for me, although the examiners also sat on both my sides. since my trinity days, i found that i stutter less when i speak sitting down, so the exam arrangement yesterday played to my advantage.

secondly, the nerves somehow calmed down a bit and have adjusted from the first day exam shock. i was able to think a tad more clearly to answer mccullough's volley of questions. i really think he had fun bullying me with those stupid sjogren syndrome question yesterday! the fifth and the sixth diagnostic test for SS? thank God, i know the answer although i only got to say one (he moved on to the next question so quickly...). it was the serology for anti-LA and anti-Ro and also minor salivary gland biopsy, if there's a focal collection of at least 50 lmphocytes, it is diagnostic of SS :D

anyway, thirdly, the familiarity of mccullough and wallace render them as less intimidating examiners in comparison to parashos and tucker whom i've never met before (except parashos gave us few lectures on endodontic prognosis and... i can't even remember the other lectures he gave... sigh. endo is really not my forte) on the other hand, mccullough is our research supervisor whom we see every few weeks for the past one and a half year, who will surely remembers anyone from our group. and he's never the serious type. i mean, please, this lecturer would not wear a tie when chairing a formal university presentation session and poor dr manton had to lend him his tie. yes, the one he was wearing! it was kinda cute when the bear-like dr manton put in on our jeans-clad a/prof mccullough.

well, glad those are over.

still, after exams, there's still so many things to do in this end of the year and i really dunno how this little body will take it. it would be a tough, busy and happy end of the year. i believe though that JC has been keeping watch on me all this time, otherwise i would have broken down by now. it's just too much too handle sometimes. yet, He's with me :)

so... if i want to be stress-free in this stressful period, what i need to learn is to surrender all to God. easily said, however as i commented on ivan's post two days ago, it has always been difficult to surrender 100% to our Lord. we kept holding back few things that we think, "these ones i can handle by myself, thank you very much Lord" :(

"Cast your cares to the Lord and He will sustain you
He will never let the righteous fall" - Psalm 55:22

i have a dream

i have a dream. a BIG dream.
a little too BIG for a girl of my size.
something a little out of reach.

tickled your curiousity fibres?

for now, i'll surrender it to God.
i shall start praying for it today...
so it won't be just my plan but also HIS :)

dear Lord

not me, but You :)

Hebrew 12:5-11

from ci yuli

5 And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
“My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,

6 because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.”

7 Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father?

8 If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons.

9 Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live!

10 Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness.

11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

marvelous light

It’s already November. I am very close to celebrating my sixth Aussie Christmas. Down under, Christmas is never white. It’s hot. Yes, we have the Christmas lights draping some suburbs like Ivanhoe and of course, the CBD, but it doesn’t feel like the typical Christmas that we have in mind [and Hollywood sells], where the snow is supposed to be falling outside, covering the ground, people sitting by the fireplace around the Christmas tree, opening up their presents, children squealing with joy when they find the long-wanted Barbie doll or newest model of toy car in their huge boxes. A time for family, blinking lights and wrapping papers.

Christmas back at home is also, hmmm, how to put it... unconventional? December 25 is a very important date in my dad’s family, not because it is Jesus’ birthday, but because it is my grandma’s. So, we will gather at my grandma’s house every year, eating dishes together around a huge round table like a good Chinese family does and celebrate. Moreover, it’s public holiday for everyone so the family uses the opportunity to catch up with each other, including me and my cousins, who will chat away, gossiping and talking about our favourite topic: boys.

But, being a Christian, it brought me thinking...
...are those all there is to Christmas?

How about Jesus?
How dare we forget about him?

I am not saying media’s depiction of Christmas is entirely wrong. Love and family are important, but, think with me for a moment. You don’t have to wait till Christmas to love someone or to be with your family. So what is Christmas for?

The word Christmas itself, originated from Christ’s mass, literally means as a mass or service for Christ. How did it turned out to be a commercial holiday, I don’t know, and I don’t care. What I do care is people must come back to the true meaning of Christmas, which has been long forgotten.

I shall brave myself to say... it’s an evidence of how our eyes, including mine, have been so blinded by the darkness of this world. We have been living in a world void of light to the point that we can’t even remember what a light is. So, JC came down to this world and “called you [us] out of darkness into His wonderful light” (1 Peter 2:9b), because we wouldn’t be able to do it by ourselves. And the day when this Saviour was born, that is Christmas.

Christmas is the time we are supposed to be celebrating the arrival of light into this dark world. The origin of Christmas lights that are adorning cities around the world at this very moment is this very concept of JC as the Light of the World. Sadly, though, we remember more of the lovely shiny and sparkly lights than the more beautiful JC himself.

How sad it is to be happy about Christmas, for the wrong reasons.
Who would you celebrate this Christmas?

It’s never too late to re-learn the true meaning of Christmas.

note: i wrote this column for a christmas blog... posted here as well since i dont think many people are yet to know about it's existence. here's the link. there will be other people posting too, not just me. enjoy!
and, oh, the song is courtesy of the blog editor, i just copy pasted it here^^

gifts or giver?

several times already during the past 2 weeks, during prayers, i felt God's feeling conveyed through the spirit in my heart. it was indescribable, it felt outlandish to the point that it was almost unbearable.
the feeling was simple.
the feeling of longing for someone.
the feeling of missing someone so much till u feel like crying.
it was rather sad. i wept like mad.

then it got me thinking... we always say and sing that He's all we want, He's all we ever needed. undeniably JC is all we need, but do we really want Him? as in Him in person, not merely His blessing, protection, providence, promises and all the good things that comes from Him?

so... here i am sitting in my pajamas, staring at my monitor...

...then, mr tant pasted this link on my msn
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTc_FoELt8s
and this phrase really caught my attention, "elevating gifts above giver"

harsh?

i know this clip is attacking the so called prosperity gospel and only half-relevant to what i am talking about but this is why God is sad. because of our folly.

God wants to have a relationship with us! it's good that we pray to Him everyday, but for what? new cars, new job, new house? blah! that's not the bloody point! [pardon my language] ...we need to learn to start longing for God, just for the sake of wanting Him, as a person, as a Father, as a friend, as the lover of our soul. not just wanting HDs or promotion at work or even good health.

merely wanting HIM.

tough calling, but that is what He put in my heart.
often, even as His workers, we fail. but i'm learning.

everything else can be taken away, but not my God.

when everything is almost over

sunday night.
kinda late already and i am very tired from playing hard all day. today was my short mid-study break, tried to satisfy my inner child before reverting back to chronic nerd-ness and geek-dom tomoro, where i will spend sessions at rmit library with my textbooks and notes. then get done and over with the forthcoming case presentation, treatment planning and OSCE exam.

before hitting the mattress, though, i thought of writing down 5 years worth of sentiments, as a closure to a nearly-finished chapter in my life...

i really wanna THANK GOD that i have been able to cruise through these labourous years of dentistry fairly smoothly, with nothing major actually happened. though there were still rocks along the way and at times i did stumble, i have never actually fall too hard (well, except probably that incident 6 months ago, which doesnt matter anymore now).

i wanna thank God for His providence, how eventhough in all the hardships i have to endure, not only at uni but also my life in general in this studying period of life, God has always had provided its way out or answers. honestly, this year, i have been very tired physically as well as drained mentally by all my problems. i worked in the clinics all day then still have to go do stuff at church, as many as 4-5 times a week. sometimes, i thought i should reconsider my involvement in ministry, since i barely have time for myself. yet, our God is indeed amazing, He just made everything works. study, ministry, everything!

i kinda understand now what does it mean when David said "the Lord is my shepherd, i shall not want" (Psalm 23:1)
He always gives enough.

i have no regrets.

one more step towards a new chapter of life.
i can't wait to see what He has provided for me.

p.s. thank you for reading my sentiments^^