insecurities

few weeks working and i am already on the brink of complaining. working, and especially the idle hours wasted travelling, absolutely drains. furthermore, there is no change in my other routines, that are menado, kudo, FA and housemaking, adding to the physical demands. the virtual world that used to be my consolation when i am bored or simply have nothing else to do does not interest me anymore, since the only thing i wanna do when i got home is just to hit the mattress and snooze. i have been exhausted to the point i don't even go online anymore. thus, i am utterly grateful from the deepest pit of my heart that L is here now and i would say the 3 months intense training from my mom to mould her into a better, more responsible person actually bears results. she would do dishes and laundry without being told, and it's just very nice to have someone who enjoys chilling on the carpet, listening to decade-old indo songs, as much as i do.

but, is this how i'm gonna spend the bulk of my adult life, working my ass off and collapse at home afterwards everyday? is it worth it to keep doing what i am doing now? oh how i wish to be a student again and have 8 hours a week instead of 8 hours a day. it's not like i've ever had 8 hours a week anyways, dental school does not really understand the meaning of day off. yet, on the other hand, i would be sick of being a student already, it has been too long. it's just... i am finding it a little bit trying to embrace this change.

changes are never easy, even from the worse to better.
(Ps Sim, last Sunday)

i have this personal fear which i shared last night in FA, i am afraid i won't be able to keep on fire serving the Lord like this. i mean i feel excited with the Lord at the moment, but, would i have the same passion in say... 5 years? 10 years? or even in a year if i succumb to workplace pressures? it really does make me paranoid and to put it in eln's words, i don't trust myself. and what did God say about this? He reminded me of just one thing, "child, the journey is not always easy but i am here with You"

long i have known that it's not my strength but His grace that will help me through, no matter what, only long also i have forgotten to have faith in it. not me, but You, Lord. Thanks!


a video from few months ago. apparently i really like the song, liking it enough to post it twice :p