so you know, i struggled

"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."

i have not been able to write these past few weeks. i was put off by the theme for the upcoming month articles: prayer. "great..." sighed little me. my least favourite subject in God's little school of faith. the more i tried to think of something, the emptier my head gets. so, on the due date, i ended up facing a blank document and a huge cloud of disappointment that hung above my head for weeks. i felt dumb, numb, and rather upset with myself for not having a strong enough prayer life to produce something out of it which will encourage and bless other people, yet did nothing about it.

...until i came to understand what Hebrews 4:16 means.

it's like putting together pieces of jigsaw puzzle - random observations and thoughts that scattered throughout my minutes, hours, days, weeks - into a complete comprehension.

Let us then approach...

we prayed. we prayed. we prayed. and we prayed. and we kept praying while God never once replied audibly, or at least, present Himself tangibly? suddenly with all the nothingness that happened, the activity felt tedious. only when thing happens out of the ordinary, we get excited and said "God was here".

the bane of pentecostal church. we are a fool to think that the presence of God is limited to the manifested version we often pursue so fervently we forget our initial intention to seek Him. it is not the intense emotion or the shivers down your spine. God is omnipresent. all He asks is for us to come with faith and that is when we will find Him.

then one will say, "i know i must come to God, but i've sinned too much and my faith is so small i am embarrassed to come with just these. maybe i should just hide myself in that corner and disappear. i must have been such an eyesore and with what i have, there is no way i have the confidence to even edge an inch closer."

this is a crude representation of what most of us would have felt at a certain point of time, during that deepest dip in our valleys of death. often we are afraid to come to the Lord. we fear that we are too dirty, too unworthy to be accepted in His Holiness. but i learned this liberating fact that JC washed all my sins away on Calvary and there is no more condemnation in Him. the veil has been torn and He made it possible for us to be reconciled with our heavenly Father. through Him and Him alone.

hence, maybe we have low self-esteem, does not matter much as long as we have high-Christ esteem. (PCT, 2009) :D

so, why do we approach this magnificent throne of grace? obviously, to receive mercy and find grace. thus the name, isn't it? :)

here, i have some bits to share. i hate being repetitious but i can't help it this time. you never know what you have until you lose it. i have been sick for the past two weeks, falling in and out of an inconsistent bout of flu, exhibiting various symptoms each time: severe headache two sundays ago, that extended into a sickie on the following monday, felt better, back to the drills and grumpy patients, then started sneezing nonstop during the whole friday afternoon, my patients might have thought their dentist had the swine flu, they rushed out of the surgery as soon as we're finished. i was naughty and stayed up late on the weekends, resulting in a bad sorethroat and, literally, saturday night [in bed with] fever. those two weeks, i skipped three prayer meetings.

i used to pride myself in being consistent. when i put myself to do something, i do it wholeheartedly, seriously and consistently, which principle is also applicable to my Christian life. i never want to do anything out of a burden, so when i commit myself to one particular responsibility, i make sure this is what i want to do and i will see it through to the end. i never missed prayer meetings in a row until last week. at first i felt bad, then i felt down, then i felt nothing. praying became difficult for apparent reasons i know yet i did not want to admit.

wednesday evening, i decided "this has to stop". gathered every ounce of whatever courage left, i knelt down with resolve and simply prayed, "God help me", and did, He help me. mercy and grace flowed down and i found Him. and boy, i missed Him! it's an old flame rekindled, burns brighter than ever. i lost the joy of His fellowship. thus, when it was found, it became clearer that it is the most beautiful thing in the world. never again i am letting go.

seek and you will find.
seek Him and you will find Him.

love, allie~