not me, has never been me. it's You :)

"We're an anchor for those who are hurting.
We're a harbour for those who are lost.
Sometimes it's not aways easy, bearing calvary's cross.
We've been ridiculed by those who don't know Him.
and mocked by those who don't believe.
still I love standing up for my Jesus.
cause of all that He's done for me.

That's why I am not ashamed of the Gospel.
the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
No, I am not afraid to be counted.
But I'm willing to give my life.
See I'm ready to be what He wants me to be.
Give up the wrong for the right.
I am not ashamed of the Gospel.
No, I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

For every moment His hands has had mercy.
For all the love He's shown in my life.
A simple thanks just doesn't say how i'm feeling.
I get tears in my eyes.
And as for me, I'm gonna keep on believing.
In the one who's been so faithful to me.
I'm not out to please this whole world around me.
I've got my mind on eternity.

That's why I am not ashamed of the Gospel.
the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
No, I am not afraid to be counted.
But I'm willing to give my life.
See I'm ready to be what He wants me to be.
Give up the wrong for the right.
I am not ashamed of the Gospel.
No, I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

I've got too much behind me to let this world blind me.
Maybe to some He's just a name.
But to me, He's my everything.
I am not ashamed of the Gospel.
I am not ashamed of the Gospel.
I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Jesus Christ."

two days away from singing this song. at first i believe that you need a strong conviction to sing such lyrics. you need true faith to claim that "I am not ashamed of the Gospel". this must be the song of a strong Christian. i tried hard to be worthy of this song. and failed miserably.

now i look at it differently. "for every moment" it said, that "His hands has had mercy."

Whose?
HIS.

somehow, amidst all the things that upset me lately, this mini revelation brings a new hope. you don't have to try to be great or strong or whatever. you can leave that to God. He will use you in His special way, because he knitted us as individual and special. God will not deal with me the same way He deals with you. at least that is what i believe. surrender to His Holy Spirit, and He will surely show the way.

there are still a couple of days left of the prayer. i missed out on quite a lot due to laziness, tiredness and sickness, yet i don't want to miss out on His blessing. mild temperature, puffy eyes and light headiness might have stopped me from going to work today, but i will come to God tonight and apologize for being such a sookie lala. i want to stop complaining and start surrendering. and have obedience.

i'm still strong headed, and lately has gotten a bit spoiled. so blessed to have a partner who likes to rebuke and drag me up. it is not going to be easy and it is not like flipping a switch. the change in heart, maybe is like one. but how to carry it out in this life, where i am kind of spiritually dormant at the moment, will need a process.

so, i am crawling down the narrow way, but not giving up. if you can't run, walk. if you can't walk, crawl. then eventually i want to get up and start walking and running again. i just want to make sure i am still heading there. to Jesus.

i believe in my God. His grace is sufficient for me. i am weak but He is strong. God is faithful and i am gonna keep on believing. circumstances will pass. i don't want to be in this rut forever. but the same faith is to keep. one day, even when life is being so awesome, i will still know that You are God.

this song is amazing.
my God is amazing.

Perseverance

Morning! Be careful when you say something to God.

When it is according to His will, He will make it come true. I said last night in FA that sometimes i feel that when i wake up in the wee hours of the morning, just before dawn, around 4 or 5, i felt that it's God calling me and compelling me to pray. So far i ignored, and failed to obey. What i usually did was go to the toilet, did my business and go back to sleep. Or browse the net with my ipad. Or worse, read manga online.

And as you read the time of this post, it happens this morning. So, not wanting to be without integrity, i pulled myself together, and grabbed my bible. I can't go back against my own words, can i? It's a promise. Made to God, in front of everyone. I did say that next time God wakes me up early again, i will answer Him, and oh boy, He did not take His time. That is our God, longing deeply to commune with us, to talk to us. Why? Because He loves us so. I was hit by a guilty pang when i heard last week's sermon. God, who is in me, has been calling me to go back to Him. Again. And again.

I have had trouble sleeping for the past few months. Sometimes i will wake up in the middle of the night (or morning) with no apparent reason. Initially, i attributed it to stress from wedding preparation, yet i know, it is not just that. God wants me. God wants me to surrender my stress to Him. Yes, i do pray, but do i pray as yearningly to Him as i was last year? I'm afraid not. The wedding is a blessing and a curse. Sure it is one of the happiest moment in my life, i'm marrying my beloved soon. And this supposedly happy occasion dragged me down the spiral. I know for myself now that bridezilla does exist. I am one. What i'm trying to say is, sadly, it drags me away from God. I reverted back to my proud old self. I can do it, i can organise a wedding, yeah sure. I don't need God to help me with this. Of course, i didn't say it out loud, but that was my attitude. I lost my purpose. Now i seemingly live for the wedding. I hate it. I hate myself for being such a prude.

Did i do anything about it though? That is where i went wrong. I know what i ought to do. Surrender all to God, rely on Him even more, with all these flowers, dress and cake business. I did not do it. I ignored. Stephen's sharing about surrendering to God humbled me. I am amazed by the extent of His grace. Christy was right. His grace is always there for those who repents. Over the course of my christian life, i dunno how many times i've repented, and always, by grace.

"i just can't give up now.
I've come so far from where i started from.
Nobody told me that it would be easy.
But i dont believe He brought me this far to leave me"

It's an old song, from Mary Mary, been playing in my head for weeks. It kept me going, the hope in God. So yeah, this is where i am at the moment, trying to pick myself off the ground again.

And i know i am not alone. My God is with me. He is my strength, my hope, my joy. I am dearly loved.

Thank you Father :3

Everyone has problem. This is mine. Whatever yours is, God is with you, friend. You are dearly loved. Don't give up.