Perseverance

Morning! Be careful when you say something to God.

When it is according to His will, He will make it come true. I said last night in FA that sometimes i feel that when i wake up in the wee hours of the morning, just before dawn, around 4 or 5, i felt that it's God calling me and compelling me to pray. So far i ignored, and failed to obey. What i usually did was go to the toilet, did my business and go back to sleep. Or browse the net with my ipad. Or worse, read manga online.

And as you read the time of this post, it happens this morning. So, not wanting to be without integrity, i pulled myself together, and grabbed my bible. I can't go back against my own words, can i? It's a promise. Made to God, in front of everyone. I did say that next time God wakes me up early again, i will answer Him, and oh boy, He did not take His time. That is our God, longing deeply to commune with us, to talk to us. Why? Because He loves us so. I was hit by a guilty pang when i heard last week's sermon. God, who is in me, has been calling me to go back to Him. Again. And again.

I have had trouble sleeping for the past few months. Sometimes i will wake up in the middle of the night (or morning) with no apparent reason. Initially, i attributed it to stress from wedding preparation, yet i know, it is not just that. God wants me. God wants me to surrender my stress to Him. Yes, i do pray, but do i pray as yearningly to Him as i was last year? I'm afraid not. The wedding is a blessing and a curse. Sure it is one of the happiest moment in my life, i'm marrying my beloved soon. And this supposedly happy occasion dragged me down the spiral. I know for myself now that bridezilla does exist. I am one. What i'm trying to say is, sadly, it drags me away from God. I reverted back to my proud old self. I can do it, i can organise a wedding, yeah sure. I don't need God to help me with this. Of course, i didn't say it out loud, but that was my attitude. I lost my purpose. Now i seemingly live for the wedding. I hate it. I hate myself for being such a prude.

Did i do anything about it though? That is where i went wrong. I know what i ought to do. Surrender all to God, rely on Him even more, with all these flowers, dress and cake business. I did not do it. I ignored. Stephen's sharing about surrendering to God humbled me. I am amazed by the extent of His grace. Christy was right. His grace is always there for those who repents. Over the course of my christian life, i dunno how many times i've repented, and always, by grace.

"i just can't give up now.
I've come so far from where i started from.
Nobody told me that it would be easy.
But i dont believe He brought me this far to leave me"

It's an old song, from Mary Mary, been playing in my head for weeks. It kept me going, the hope in God. So yeah, this is where i am at the moment, trying to pick myself off the ground again.

And i know i am not alone. My God is with me. He is my strength, my hope, my joy. I am dearly loved.

Thank you Father :3

Everyone has problem. This is mine. Whatever yours is, God is with you, friend. You are dearly loved. Don't give up.