the heartbreak

http://www.new.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=37672263616&id=603306502&index=3
i was reading this facebook note when i came to realize that this note was written on my birthday. and it kinda makes me want to reflect to where my life has been so far, since the so-called-life-change occured.

i am just so glad now that i chose to stay. eventhough the fact that i stayed might have been a form of my escape from the pain experienced. that life-change did not fit into any of the ten categories mentioned, it was actually more painful than any of the things mentioned. it was unexpected and uh... kinda dramatic. it was something i thought would only happen in tv shows but not in real life or my life!

i was betrayed, hurt, deceived, swindled, whatever you want to call it by the person i hold very dear to my heart. my ex-boyfriend, for the whole 10 months of our relationship has been lying to me about everything he is, what he does, where he lives, to the extent i couldnt even imagine! and there i was, so dumb, so blinded by love, never noticing nor suspicious about anything until he disappeared.

disappear, you say? where did he disappear to?

someones broke the news to me. his sudden disappearance was because he was taken into custody in detention centre to be deported and all the story about his work, his house and his everything is basically just a gigantic well made up lie since he doesnt even have a passport as much as he doesnt have a place to live!

wouldnt this kind of news turn your world upside down?

i didnt want to believe, but they have evidence.
i was utterly devastated.
i took a sickie that week and cried for a whole week. maybe two.

come to think about it, it all does make sense...
he came to my place everyday to have dinner, watch movies together with me and left very late although i have morning classes the next day.
now i know it was because he needed a shelter.

he wouldnt take me to eat at nice places although he knew i want to go so much.
now i know it was because he couldnt afford it.

he didnt tell me of his circumstances even after i know from someone else.
...

do you know what he told me?

what?

he said that he was not in town due to work assigment, that his office sent him to someplace faraway. when he needed to go back to our home country, he said it was because his parents needed him, urgently. and what a fortunate thing for him that during those times i was out of town myself so i wouldnt be able to go and send him to the airport.

unbelievable! i deduced it was because of his pride. he was ashamed to be such person that he built a lie so extravagant to get acceptance from people. and from me.

he never told me till the end. no, never. he still called me though and continued with the lies. i played along.
then i told him i want to leave him.

we both cried that night, on the phone. like idiots.
i dont know exactly why he cried. maybe he did love me behind all the deceptions and losing me broke his heart too. maybe. but i cried for a different reason: why did you still wouldnt tell me the truth? why did i stayed with you for the past 10 months for? i feel used.

then, we lost contact. he disappeared from my life.
and i ran to JC. i stayed.