i am sorry

be happy with those who are happy.
be sad with those who are sad.
Romans 12:15 (New Life Version)

what came into your minds reading those Words? to be there for your friends, in joy or sadness? that may sounds like a wedding vow… yet, isn’t it the generic definition of being a true friend? if that is truly the case, i have failed many times.

lately, i feel like i have made so many people disappointed for my absence in many occasions. when people called me up, being so nice to ask me out since they know i am rather lonely-ish without my family who flew back already, i always had to disappoint by rejecting their kind invitations. when people actually came to visit and i had to leave for engagements with other parties. when a good friend were about to leave melbourne, for good, and i was always busy tending to my own matters, can’t even spare a quick visit to her place nor even lunch. have attempted to redeem myself, yes, but it wouldn’t be able to undo all my misdeeds, or rather my negligence.

i don’t know if it is my melancholy person playing up again, which have often been the case lately, since so many things have happened simultaneously during such a short period of time, hitting me like a truck being driven at full speed into a brick wall, the shock of the collision were such that it drove me into this semi-madness state. i don’t even know whether those people actually felt like what i assumed them to feel.

don’t worry i’m not crazy yet.

i send my deepest gratitude to the Lord Almighty for keeping me sane up to this point. i know He is here with me, through all my darkest self-created miseries, while i was wallowing in pointless lonesomeness.

God help me!

…

i want to stop thinking about Allie all the time. i want to think more about what i can do for others. for people around me. for my friends. yet there is no way to make everybody happy, is there? if there is, there won’t be any arguments in this world and there is no need for law, ethics, mannerism and all those bullshit people create, trying to govern this world with, where there is the ultimate manual book for life from God himself, called the Bible (just in case you don’t realise it :p). for example, the portion of the passage in Roman 12, from which i took the aforementioned Words, talks about how we should live in brotherly (and of course, sisterly) love, as believers. this should be how i live! so why all this letdowns?

This may sounds like a poorly reasoned self-defence, still, a person is a person. Unlike our omnipresence Lord, I can only be at one place at a time, no matter how many people requesting my audience. In such cases, I would inevitably be driven into making tough decisions, and being somewhat rational in comparison to an average female, plus being trained to possess evidence-based reasoning, I judge by situation and circumstances, weighing each pros and cons to determine how much one really needs my companion, while also considering what the Holy Spirit would say about that through my God given conscience (i better be!).

i promise i’ll be happy with those who are happy, and be sad with those who are sad.
it’s just i can’t be with everybody.

for those who felt forgotten: i am sorry. it has never been intentional.
God bless you.