wedding zen

I am less than two weeks away from my wedding day, and strangely I feel relatively at ease. Well I said relatively since I still get uneasy sleep once in a while (which is a huge deal for me who is usually a very very heavy sleeper). Once I was woken up in the middle of the night after a nightmare of being forty five minutes late to my own wedding, then could not go back to sleep again for another couple of hours, which were unwisely spent on bejeweled blitz.

I am also still waiting on a couple of last minute internet purchases which according to the tracking label are still stuck in Los Angeles. Panic time? Again, strangely, no.

Maybe this is what the world call wedding zen, kungfu panda call inner peace, and what I call surrendering. I somehow believe that everything will fall into place. And nothing is going to be perfect but that is life, isn't it? Life does not have to be perfect to be beautiful. 

I will have all my loved ones there, spend the day the way we like it, relaxed and slow. And God will be there. That is all that matters. Though, the lesson did not come easy.

Yesterday we had probably the best Sunday ever in a long long time. We did not do much, yet felt so satisfied. After morning service at church, boo and sis and I stayed for a bit for lodeh, empal and ikan asin at the cafe. Then we drove back to boo's place and watched Finding Nemo in bluray. I've always loved that movie and it is hard to believe that it was made 9 years ago! I still reckon it is the best animation ever. We finished the movie, and it was only 2.30. 

“Now what?”

I proposed a stroll at the reserve just a couple of blocks behind his place. Boo always mentioned how he (sometimes) jogs there and I’ve never been. Why not today while we have time? Weather was beautiful, and we all could do with a little bit of fresh air and sunshine in the midst of the hectic wedding prep. So, away we went and had the best arvo walk. Who knew that tucked away next to the eastern freeway, there is such a natural and peaceful space? Being the city girls we are, we oohs and aahs at the marshes and the duck that lives in it, little bridges, gravelly pathway and basically mini bushland just five minutes away from home.

We went to Box Hill central right after to satisfy sis' bubble tea craving, sat in the sun some more, wander semi-aimlessly in Centro, where boo and sis picked up their sonic key chains.

Another movie. The amazing punk kid Spidey.

Home cooked dinner.

Bliss.

The best day ever.

I won't apologize for the excessive use of superlatives. you can ask both boo and sis, it was awesome! It was so nice to have a laid back day, where you are not tied down by schedules and plans, where there is no rush at all to do things. It is good to be organized, but too strict and you will wear yourselves down. That is where most of us go wrong.

I believe yesterday was God's present for us. I imagine God sees us as punk kids who do not really know what they were doing. The real story is, boo and I fought the day before. We had a list of things to do we're desperately trying to cross off on Saturday. We were so bound onto the mindset of "I’ve got to get this done because there is no more time" and got really cranky when things did not go smoothly and thus went at each other. The day ended in sour note.

This is where it is amazing. We did not ask for the beautiful day yesterday. God intervened, because He loves us so. He knows we were about to break, so He gave us the special treat. What is that, if not love?

Take time to stop, sit back, relax, breathe slower and deeper, appreciate the moment and realize how blessed you are. Look at all the things around you. God works more in our life that we think He is and I am grateful He gave us yesterday. One cannot help but to believe that there will be better days to come He has written.

I think that is why I am not stressing over this wedding, albeit finding two large zits on my nose this morning (eep!).

Because I know that it is not in my hands,

…everything's going to be wonderful.

pre-wedding reflections

I have been religiously following and perusing wedding blogs ever since I got engaged, it became an unhealthy obsession. It is my guilty pleasure. I enjoyed looking at the beautiful, heavily-edited photographs, where everyone is beaming with happiness that is full to the brim, all the pretty details, with lace and ribbons and crystal champagne glasses. Cookies wrapped in brown paper bags, billowy maids dresses, little flower girls with actual flowers in their cute curly hair. Oh, bliss!

Soon, I noticed a trend. Nowadays, people want their wedding to “reflects us” (the most overused phrase in wedding blog world). Blogs are full of people injecting personality into their wedding, which is nice and all, and is pretty much what we are trying to do as well. You want to go to a wedding and be able to say, “oh it’s so you!”, and then giggle with the bride about how beautiful everything is, over your third glass of champagne. Yet, the more I scour those blogs, why do I get this strange feeling that some tries too hard to be different or unique? Alas, the Avengers theme song for processional? Skeleton cake topper? Are you kidding me? Or, maybe I am just being a bitch.

At one point it got sickening. People are so set into making their wedding unforgettable, they forget what is important. Is not marriage more important than the wedding? Is not what you promise at the altar more important the dress and the flowers?

At the beginning, I did fall into the trap of worrying more about how the reception is going to be. What colour theme should I pick? And oh, what about the shoes, the jewellery? What should I use for the bonbonnieres? How if people will get bored? Oh what should we do to make it interesting? However, closer to the day, one night, when boo and I sat at KD’s couch and were asked to think about our vows, the focus in my head changed.

The moment I realized, damn, what will I promise to this man, in front of God and at least hundred fifty guests who will be there to witness? This is the promise I will have to hold for the rest of my life. This is serious shit. I would be someone’s wife in less than three weeks. I am no longer just myself. Do I understand, what it means to be a wife? What a marriage is?

My colourful flowers, cute postcards and the amazing box I have been working on in the past weeks suddenly lost their importance. Sure, they will still be there at the wedding, I worked so hard preparing them, it’s just, they’re no longer the top of the priority list. There is only one question I keep asking myself. Do I really understand what this means? Have I prepared myself, mentally and spiritually, enough for this? 

²² Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ²⁶ to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, ²⁷ and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. ²⁸ In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— ³⁰ for we are members of his body. ³¹ “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” ³² This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. ³³ However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Ephesians 5: 22-33

KD mentioned these verses last night. It’s not like I have never heard them before, but back then when I was younger, I regard these verses to be useful sometimes in the future, which was wrong, for if I did understand these words much earlier, I would have known what to look for in prospective relationships, right? Also, I would know what is required of me, in order to be a wife that is pleasing in God’s eyes. This is His timely voice I need to understand and learn from.

Obviously, I want to be a good wife, a great wife if I can! And of course, most importantly: a Godly one. I can see that it is not easy. I need that smack in the head, especially the submitting part. It is very hard for a strong headed girl like me to submit to anyone, including the authority of my husband-to-be. Add Proverbs 31 into the equation and I salute any lady who can come close to the amazing woman portrayed in it (and any man who can find such wife).

Well, I am as ready as I can be. Lord, the rest is in your hands. Let this new beginning start in You.

On Gifts Envy and Embracing Your Own

There was a point in my life that I was envious of people. In particular, people with flashy spiritual gifts, like prophets, prayer warriors, awesome singers. Note: see how I put awesome there in front of singers? I can sing, and I am definitely not tone deaf, although according to my other half I imitate instrumentals rather poorly. I am part of the vocal ministry and when you think, well, isn’t it rather awesome too? Unfortunately, I did not feel like that at all. I kept comparing myself with recording artists and all the singers we see in the television, concert, or even Youtube worship videos, or worse, my friends in ministry. That was when I started to depreciate this God given talent.

My example is not the best, since most will regard a ministry on the stage to be somewhat prestigious. I dismiss this talent for a reason that totally self righteous and out of pride. I hid behind the reason of not wanting to be prideful when I sing beautifully, yet in reality I was spiteful of the limitation of my voice, how I do not sound like Brooklyn Tabernacle singers (you wish!). Very hypocritical, eh?

Inside I was screaming, I am not good enough! Why don’t You give me something I am really good at and then I can definitely know it is Your calling for me? Why the calling for some people is visible whereas mine is as vague as one driving in the mist? I appreciate that you do give me this and that but, Lord, is that it? I’m average!

It is frustrating to feel useless in the kingdom of God. But, are we really?

We are often trapped in wanting the extravagant. We compare with others and never truly look at ourselves. We are ears that want to be a nose, feet that want to be arms, fingers that want to be eyes. No wonder we never fulfill our purpose. So, firstly, let’s take a deep breath, pray that the Holy Spirit helps us search our hearts and learn to see who we really are, who God has made us to be.

I identify myself with the servant with one talent in the parable in Matthew 25, who went and buried his portion as soon as the master left. He was envious of the others with two and five talents. My eyes were opened to see, this is exactly who I am. I did not appreciate the one my Father gave me and wanted the five He gave to other. How wicked the heart of man is. Envy. Now think with me and imagine what could have happened if he dug that one talent out and work it out just like what the other two did? It would at least produce another talent, right? It would have born result, fruits, yes? It might not be much, but it is our portion in partaking in the work of God.

My other half put it this way: “Some will be called to reach out. Some will preach. Some will be mentors. Some will sing and dance. Some will also be prayer warriors. That’s all fine, good and important. But someone still has to clean the toilet.” Maybe not literally, but you get what I mean.

There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit distributes them. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord.  There are different kinds of working, but in all of them and in everyone it is the same God at work.

Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.  And God has placed in the church first of all apostles, second prophets, third teachers, then miracles, then gifts of healing, of helping, of guidance, and of different kinds of tongues. Are all apostles? Are all prophets? Are all teachers? Do all work miracles? Do all have gifts of healing? Do all speak in tongues? Do all interpret?
1 Corinthians 12: 4-6, 27-30

I’m not sure if you were here when Pastor Amelia shared from Psalm 139. That was beautifully liberating and refreshing. When we know who we are in Christ, how we are so wonderfully and fearfully made, individually designed and knitted by God in our mother’s womb, we no longer want to be someone else. God designs us to be us.

Fellow workers and ministers in Christ, hope this truth speak to us and help us to serve Him better, no matter how great or how minor our role is. Do not be downhearted if our role seems so small or silly. Hosea the prophet had to marry a prostitute! Imagine how he felt when God told him to! My reaction would perhaps be, “You’re joking, God!” or “it can’t be God!” However that was God’s plan for him and through it, God is glorified. In the end of the day, that is the sole purpose, who we are in Christ should lead to the Father being glorified and people being drawn close to Him. I believe, the more we embrace who we are in Him, the clearer we will see ourselves in Christ.