amazing grace

yesterday i couldn't sleep, i'm not sure why. maybe because i had been thinking nonstop, my mind couldn't stop the leftover momentum.

few hours prior to the insomniac episode which i haven't had for too many years, blessed with the luxury of being able to sleep whenever and wherever (i.e. i've been such a pig all this while), i went to my usual prayer tower, which turned out to be an mind opener, where God poured a pail of ice water over my stubborn head, saying: wake up! and pulling me up from the deep chasm of self pity.

you know, i have been struggling lately, finding it hard to believe that everything will be okay since God should have a plan for me, not just a plan but plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future. looking forward, i really don’t know what is in front of me. long i had known that God loves us, so very much that He gave His one and only Son to DIE that I may LIVE. our very lives are in His hands and in all things, He works for the good of those who loves Him, who have been called according to His purpose.

yet all this while, those words only lived as mere collection of letters joined together into intelligible meaning. i know, i’ve always known those verses, yet never till that one afternoon, they became truly alive. just because i can't see what is ahead of me, i grew scared, afraid, and desperate. i withdrew into self pity and complaining each night, "why does it have to be so hard?"

but as we came back to the altar, JC pounded me back into reality. sadly He said, "I love you so much, what wouldn't I do for you? why can't you trust me just a little? even faith as little as a mustard seed can do so much. child, do not worry" well, it wasn't exactly audible; it’s sort of my own contemporary rendition of what JC would have said. nevertheless, the emotion those kinds of words would have evoked was imprinted into my heart so strongly, i broke down again. such grace! i felt dumb instantaneously. so blinded. such an ungrateful wretch i have been!

…

it lifted up my spirit, to fully comprehend that I am LOVED

with the realization, i repented from my unbelief and slowly, peace flowed into my heart. it doesn’t mean that life stopped posing all its challenges to me, but i learned to see those obstacles from a different perspective, from God’s very own glasses. my blindness has been replaced with a perfect 20/20, called HOPE, and as i began to let God took over, doors started to open, more than what i could have asked for. after all, He knows best.

so this is what it means to live by His Words.
i felt like crying and laughing at the same time.

man... i still have a long way to go from being what He wants me to be.

"amazing grace how sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me
i once was lost but now am found
was blind but now i see"