hello! updates have been a tad sluggish lately due to the lack of internet in 1412. i have to climb 20 floors up (figuratively not literally) to gain access to the glorious world of internet. this forced abstinence from the virtual realm has greatly affected my social life. being devoid of any online interaction, i felt that my circle has shriveled to mere numbers of people who are still trapped here in beloved Melbourne for whatever reason. nevertheless, spending more time than usual with real flesh and blood of these select few, one way or another i get to appreciate more of the people God put around me.
with less people around, one seems to cherish other’s company more. each moments spent together, no matter how brief, becomes precious memories. each “thank you” that came out from one’s mouth sounds so much more sincere. each smile seems to convey deeper feelings than a thousand words of gratitude. each hug seems to have been infused with the warmth of genial love. maybe it’s what human beings crave for the most, each other’s presence, not just some intangible interaction on cyberspace. we are not meant to be alone.
friends are beyond doubt, God-given.
thank you.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
i am sorry
be happy with those who are happy.
be sad with those who are sad.
Romans 12:15 (New Life Version)
what came into your minds reading those Words? to be there for your friends, in joy or sadness? that may sounds like a wedding vow… yet, isn’t it the generic definition of being a true friend? if that is truly the case, i have failed many times.
lately, i feel like i have made so many people disappointed for my absence in many occasions. when people called me up, being so nice to ask me out since they know i am rather lonely-ish without my family who flew back already, i always had to disappoint by rejecting their kind invitations. when people actually came to visit and i had to leave for engagements with other parties. when a good friend were about to leave melbourne, for good, and i was always busy tending to my own matters, can’t even spare a quick visit to her place nor even lunch. have attempted to redeem myself, yes, but it wouldn’t be able to undo all my misdeeds, or rather my negligence.
i don’t know if it is my melancholy person playing up again, which have often been the case lately, since so many things have happened simultaneously during such a short period of time, hitting me like a truck being driven at full speed into a brick wall, the shock of the collision were such that it drove me into this semi-madness state. i don’t even know whether those people actually felt like what i assumed them to feel.
don’t worry i’m not crazy yet.
i send my deepest gratitude to the Lord Almighty for keeping me sane up to this point. i know He is here with me, through all my darkest self-created miseries, while i was wallowing in pointless lonesomeness.
God help me!
…
i want to stop thinking about Allie all the time. i want to think more about what i can do for others. for people around me. for my friends. yet there is no way to make everybody happy, is there? if there is, there won’t be any arguments in this world and there is no need for law, ethics, mannerism and all those bullshit people create, trying to govern this world with, where there is the ultimate manual book for life from God himself, called the Bible (just in case you don’t realise it :p). for example, the portion of the passage in Roman 12, from which i took the aforementioned Words, talks about how we should live in brotherly (and of course, sisterly) love, as believers. this should be how i live! so why all this letdowns?
This may sounds like a poorly reasoned self-defence, still, a person is a person. Unlike our omnipresence Lord, I can only be at one place at a time, no matter how many people requesting my audience. In such cases, I would inevitably be driven into making tough decisions, and being somewhat rational in comparison to an average female, plus being trained to possess evidence-based reasoning, I judge by situation and circumstances, weighing each pros and cons to determine how much one really needs my companion, while also considering what the Holy Spirit would say about that through my God given conscience (i better be!).
i promise i’ll be happy with those who are happy, and be sad with those who are sad.
it’s just i can’t be with everybody.
for those who felt forgotten: i am sorry. it has never been intentional.
God bless you.
be sad with those who are sad.
Romans 12:15 (New Life Version)
what came into your minds reading those Words? to be there for your friends, in joy or sadness? that may sounds like a wedding vow… yet, isn’t it the generic definition of being a true friend? if that is truly the case, i have failed many times.
lately, i feel like i have made so many people disappointed for my absence in many occasions. when people called me up, being so nice to ask me out since they know i am rather lonely-ish without my family who flew back already, i always had to disappoint by rejecting their kind invitations. when people actually came to visit and i had to leave for engagements with other parties. when a good friend were about to leave melbourne, for good, and i was always busy tending to my own matters, can’t even spare a quick visit to her place nor even lunch. have attempted to redeem myself, yes, but it wouldn’t be able to undo all my misdeeds, or rather my negligence.
i don’t know if it is my melancholy person playing up again, which have often been the case lately, since so many things have happened simultaneously during such a short period of time, hitting me like a truck being driven at full speed into a brick wall, the shock of the collision were such that it drove me into this semi-madness state. i don’t even know whether those people actually felt like what i assumed them to feel.
don’t worry i’m not crazy yet.
i send my deepest gratitude to the Lord Almighty for keeping me sane up to this point. i know He is here with me, through all my darkest self-created miseries, while i was wallowing in pointless lonesomeness.
God help me!
…
i want to stop thinking about Allie all the time. i want to think more about what i can do for others. for people around me. for my friends. yet there is no way to make everybody happy, is there? if there is, there won’t be any arguments in this world and there is no need for law, ethics, mannerism and all those bullshit people create, trying to govern this world with, where there is the ultimate manual book for life from God himself, called the Bible (just in case you don’t realise it :p). for example, the portion of the passage in Roman 12, from which i took the aforementioned Words, talks about how we should live in brotherly (and of course, sisterly) love, as believers. this should be how i live! so why all this letdowns?
This may sounds like a poorly reasoned self-defence, still, a person is a person. Unlike our omnipresence Lord, I can only be at one place at a time, no matter how many people requesting my audience. In such cases, I would inevitably be driven into making tough decisions, and being somewhat rational in comparison to an average female, plus being trained to possess evidence-based reasoning, I judge by situation and circumstances, weighing each pros and cons to determine how much one really needs my companion, while also considering what the Holy Spirit would say about that through my God given conscience (i better be!).
i promise i’ll be happy with those who are happy, and be sad with those who are sad.
it’s just i can’t be with everybody.
for those who felt forgotten: i am sorry. it has never been intentional.
God bless you.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
as we turn the page
13 now listen, you who say, “today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.”
14 why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. what is your life? you are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.
15 instead, you ought to say, “if it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.”
(James 4:13-15)
for those of you who paid attention to KD’s sermon few weeks ago or has followed www.allieandjc.blogspot.com faithfully might feel that this would be rather repetitive. however, it’s nearing the close of the year, people usually start to make reflections of how their life’s been for a whole annum and my melancholic side was itching to so the same. these mellow sentiments in my heart, in combination with recent incidents and circumstances inevitably led me back to think about this particular fragment of James. no words can be truer than this.
my sister had a friend, who recently passed away at the tender age of 20, of a rare disease uncommon to young people, lung cancer. she neither smoked nor drunk, she led a healthy lifestyle, and she was someone who was loved by many. but she was taken away in the prime of her youth. i wanted to cry when i read her blog. at one point i almost felt that God is unfair. then these words came back into my head. “why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. what is your life? you are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.”
a mist, our life is. short. and unpredictable. never, ever to be wasted. what have we done so far with our life?
as for me, life has reached an important milestone. i’m no longer a student, drowning in textbooks and lecture notes, but now i am officially eligible to the title Dr Tanoemarga. it still feels odd at times to have a new title attached but this would be what my patients call me next year so i better start getting used to it. enough intermezzos, where were we? oh, life. yeah, life’s been good to me so far. tough, but always good. i’m thankful that i have made it to this point while still keeping the faith and walking God’s path.
this year was, i would have to use the word: unbelievable! now i realize that all the dramas in the movie in fact can happen in real life. i had not expected my life would be turned upside down, inside out, around and around to an unimaginable extent. i was tested again and again, taught some harsh lessons, fell and rose again. and it was a worthwhile journey because everything that has happened shaped me into who i am now, and drew me closer to my JC. i am truly and utterly grateful for JC, who has been right beside me in all my woes as well as my delights. He alone deserves the utmost glorification beyond mere praise.
now, as me and everyone else is ready to turn a new leaf in our own books of life, this is usually the time to make new year resolutions. most will forget theirs after one or two months, some will make attempts to fulfil them, and less actually will succeed in doing so.
i haven’t made my resolutions yet, but i have plans for next year. i fact, i have so many things i wanna do, i can’t even choose which one to do first! however, i’ve learned my lesson, that is in whatever thing i do or i want to do, i will first put it into God’s hand. “if it is the Lord's will, [i] will live and do this or that.” i’ve tried walking without Him, and i failed miserably. once bitten, twice shy, so they say. i’m not that stupid to try again.
on the last eve of this year, instead of celebrating with lotsa bubbly toasts at old and new parties infused with misleading merriments, getting pissed and embarrassing yourselves in front of your friends (and maybe your boss!) for some dirty dancing on the table, plus making these kinds of resolutions…
“i will work harder get promoted next year!”
“i will study hard and get all HDs next year!”
“i will invest and profit heaps next year!”
“i will definitely get a girlfriend next year!”
…save yourselves from the humiliation, spend some time instead with our Lord and pray a little prayer that goes abit like this…
“Lord, i wanna walk my life with You and no matter what life hits me with, i am to surrender to Your will. teach me to say, let Your will be done and not mine. for life is short and i am not gonna waste it for anything that is not gonna bring me another inch closer to eternity. Amen. ”
14 why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. what is your life? you are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.
15 instead, you ought to say, “if it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.”
(James 4:13-15)
for those of you who paid attention to KD’s sermon few weeks ago or has followed www.allieandjc.blogspot.com faithfully might feel that this would be rather repetitive. however, it’s nearing the close of the year, people usually start to make reflections of how their life’s been for a whole annum and my melancholic side was itching to so the same. these mellow sentiments in my heart, in combination with recent incidents and circumstances inevitably led me back to think about this particular fragment of James. no words can be truer than this.
my sister had a friend, who recently passed away at the tender age of 20, of a rare disease uncommon to young people, lung cancer. she neither smoked nor drunk, she led a healthy lifestyle, and she was someone who was loved by many. but she was taken away in the prime of her youth. i wanted to cry when i read her blog. at one point i almost felt that God is unfair. then these words came back into my head. “why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. what is your life? you are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.”
a mist, our life is. short. and unpredictable. never, ever to be wasted. what have we done so far with our life?
as for me, life has reached an important milestone. i’m no longer a student, drowning in textbooks and lecture notes, but now i am officially eligible to the title Dr Tanoemarga. it still feels odd at times to have a new title attached but this would be what my patients call me next year so i better start getting used to it. enough intermezzos, where were we? oh, life. yeah, life’s been good to me so far. tough, but always good. i’m thankful that i have made it to this point while still keeping the faith and walking God’s path.
this year was, i would have to use the word: unbelievable! now i realize that all the dramas in the movie in fact can happen in real life. i had not expected my life would be turned upside down, inside out, around and around to an unimaginable extent. i was tested again and again, taught some harsh lessons, fell and rose again. and it was a worthwhile journey because everything that has happened shaped me into who i am now, and drew me closer to my JC. i am truly and utterly grateful for JC, who has been right beside me in all my woes as well as my delights. He alone deserves the utmost glorification beyond mere praise.
now, as me and everyone else is ready to turn a new leaf in our own books of life, this is usually the time to make new year resolutions. most will forget theirs after one or two months, some will make attempts to fulfil them, and less actually will succeed in doing so.
i haven’t made my resolutions yet, but i have plans for next year. i fact, i have so many things i wanna do, i can’t even choose which one to do first! however, i’ve learned my lesson, that is in whatever thing i do or i want to do, i will first put it into God’s hand. “if it is the Lord's will, [i] will live and do this or that.” i’ve tried walking without Him, and i failed miserably. once bitten, twice shy, so they say. i’m not that stupid to try again.
on the last eve of this year, instead of celebrating with lotsa bubbly toasts at old and new parties infused with misleading merriments, getting pissed and embarrassing yourselves in front of your friends (and maybe your boss!) for some dirty dancing on the table, plus making these kinds of resolutions…
“i will work harder get promoted next year!”
“i will study hard and get all HDs next year!”
“i will invest and profit heaps next year!”
“i will definitely get a girlfriend next year!”
…save yourselves from the humiliation, spend some time instead with our Lord and pray a little prayer that goes abit like this…
“Lord, i wanna walk my life with You and no matter what life hits me with, i am to surrender to Your will. teach me to say, let Your will be done and not mine. for life is short and i am not gonna waste it for anything that is not gonna bring me another inch closer to eternity. Amen. ”
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Thursday, December 4, 2008
into the amazon
when i found out that a friend had been put in a similar position to where i had to be before, i cant help feeling like i was looking at myself few short months ago. the same door which was opened now opens again. the path that leads from it is not easy, i should say. taxing, yes, and frightening. it is not unbearable since, hey, we have our Emmanuel, whom regrettably we often closed our eyes to when we’re faced with life’s giants, leaving Him ignored and sad of our foolish ignorance.
the offer was to be pulled out from our comfort zones and tossed into a completely unknown territory. and that was not all, a huge responsibility awaits at the bottom of the pit. i imagine it’s like being an average office boy suddenly cast into the Amazon and appointed leader of one tribe. i was frightened. i declined ungallantly. said that i was not ready.
i admit that there is a hint of regret for not stepping up to the challenge. many times i thought of where i would be now if i did go to my Amazon. am i still taking God’s path that has been laid down in front of me or did i miss any turn and now i’m astray in the jungle? i am still walking towards the same conclusion, that is Christ, yet this question still bothers me till this very moment: would i end up at the same destination if i was to make a different choice?
i know that the answer is ultimately “yes” since i am currently travelling in the direction of eternity, no matter which path i took. nonetheless, being the curious cat i cannot stop wondering.
oh well…
i shall stop wondering and start living.
living life to its fullest and make sure that i am still heading to the right direction.
perhaps... someday... if i am to face another Amazon, i will brave myself to answer the call and not hiding in my closet. not only to avoid further episodes of pondering and wondering, but also because now I know He will help me make it through :)
one particular pastor said these words once, “don’t wait until you’re ready, you will never do it.” I think it makes perfect sense if we’re to speak the language of God and see through His spectacles. we are made to do HIS good works, not our own works. that is why we will never be ready to do God’s work, if we keep relying on our own hands alone. that is why there is that awesome thing called miracle.
i wanna learn to take the plunge into the realm of the unknown, embark on the journey of faith. i missed one opportunity, i will not miss a second one.
that is just me though.
friend, whatever decision you make, He will always be with you. promise.
the offer was to be pulled out from our comfort zones and tossed into a completely unknown territory. and that was not all, a huge responsibility awaits at the bottom of the pit. i imagine it’s like being an average office boy suddenly cast into the Amazon and appointed leader of one tribe. i was frightened. i declined ungallantly. said that i was not ready.
i admit that there is a hint of regret for not stepping up to the challenge. many times i thought of where i would be now if i did go to my Amazon. am i still taking God’s path that has been laid down in front of me or did i miss any turn and now i’m astray in the jungle? i am still walking towards the same conclusion, that is Christ, yet this question still bothers me till this very moment: would i end up at the same destination if i was to make a different choice?
i know that the answer is ultimately “yes” since i am currently travelling in the direction of eternity, no matter which path i took. nonetheless, being the curious cat i cannot stop wondering.
oh well…
i shall stop wondering and start living.
living life to its fullest and make sure that i am still heading to the right direction.
perhaps... someday... if i am to face another Amazon, i will brave myself to answer the call and not hiding in my closet. not only to avoid further episodes of pondering and wondering, but also because now I know He will help me make it through :)
one particular pastor said these words once, “don’t wait until you’re ready, you will never do it.” I think it makes perfect sense if we’re to speak the language of God and see through His spectacles. we are made to do HIS good works, not our own works. that is why we will never be ready to do God’s work, if we keep relying on our own hands alone. that is why there is that awesome thing called miracle.
i wanna learn to take the plunge into the realm of the unknown, embark on the journey of faith. i missed one opportunity, i will not miss a second one.
that is just me though.
friend, whatever decision you make, He will always be with you. promise.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
James 4:13-17
the sun is shining brightly outside :)
and as i promised a certain someone, i will tell you the story of 1412.
i am a chronic planner, so naturally, when i decided to move into a new crib, i have all the plans made way early ahead of time. i set certain dates and deadlines for scouting, inspecting, and deciding on where to move. i fabricated a list of basic appliances and furniture i need to get as soon as i move into the new place. i temporarily transformed myself into an accountant-wannabe and attempted to do my own budgeting. i told my housemates regarding the plan 6 months in advance. my parents had entrusted the matter entirely into my hand coz they considered me responsible enough. and with such inflated head, i thought everything would be just fine.
months passed quickly, amongst the hectic final year student activities, i executed my plan slowly. me and sis started to become addicted to realestate.com.au, and comes november, we went for inspection every 3 days. somehow... it didnt go according to plan. the deadline i set for myself is creeping near, time was almost up, still, we couldn't find the "perfect" place, and we started to get anxious, and started to have all these "how if?"s in our heads.
maybe we're too perfectionist, fussy and pedantic about the new apartment, i don't know, but we seemed not able to be fully satisfied with any of the place we saw. i mean, it's not just merely finding a shelter from melbourne's unpredictable and lately hideous weather nor just a place to sleep at night, but we want to have a home.
and one week before the arrival of the big bosses (i.e my mum and dad), God stretched out His helping hands through this single soul called andrew. andrew is our one-and-a-half block away neighbour and our old old friend. since he is sis' good friend, back from middle school days, he was helping out as well. in that decisive week, he went down from his neo pad, to the real estate agency. as he asked for the current listings, a malaysian girl (let's call her v) overheard him and asked:
v: "hey are you looking for an apartment?"
a: "oh, i'm helping my friend to find one"
v: "oh, coz i might be able to help you if you or your friend is interested..."
then she started to explain the situation. she wanted to move out from her current place 2 months earlier than her current contract, so she would have to break the contract. and if she could find someone to replace her, then she wouldn't have to pay the penalty. as andrew described, she was pretty desperate and we were too at that moment. so he immediately called us and we inspected the place straightaway that night.
we fell in love with 1412.
we lodged in an application. however, we still feel unsetttled, waiting for the application to be accepted. so we spent the past few days, the past week actually feeling like we're in constant constipation, waiting in fullest anticipation for a ring from the agent. we rang several times yet the answer was always the same, "still waiting for the owner's reply".
yesterday, we couldn't stand it anymore, so we went to the city, lodged in another back up (although, we both know that our hearts were set on 1412). then we went for lunch, and then wandered aimlessly in the city, trying to find consolations from myer's glittery baubles and christmas wreaths.
then...
my phone rang...
we're getting 1412!
our hearts lightened in a flash and we continued our window shopping happily, wearing a sheepish grin on our faces. finally, one thing is settled.
looking back, i realized that God is teaching me not to depend on myself all the time, thinking that i can do things without Him. bullshit. we did pray for this new place we need, but somehow we still rely on ourselves browsing, calling up agents, and inspecting. who would have thought that we would get one by a chance meeting?
we have no control of what happens tomorrow, He does! so why can't we just trust Him with our life? i'll learn to involve God in every decision, every plan, every scheming that i make.
last sunday service, i got these Words smacked right onto my face.
last night discipleship, it was etched forever in my heart.
it makes totally perfect sense now.
13 Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.”
14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.
15 Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.”
16 As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil.
17 Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins.
and as i promised a certain someone, i will tell you the story of 1412.
i am a chronic planner, so naturally, when i decided to move into a new crib, i have all the plans made way early ahead of time. i set certain dates and deadlines for scouting, inspecting, and deciding on where to move. i fabricated a list of basic appliances and furniture i need to get as soon as i move into the new place. i temporarily transformed myself into an accountant-wannabe and attempted to do my own budgeting. i told my housemates regarding the plan 6 months in advance. my parents had entrusted the matter entirely into my hand coz they considered me responsible enough. and with such inflated head, i thought everything would be just fine.
months passed quickly, amongst the hectic final year student activities, i executed my plan slowly. me and sis started to become addicted to realestate.com.au, and comes november, we went for inspection every 3 days. somehow... it didnt go according to plan. the deadline i set for myself is creeping near, time was almost up, still, we couldn't find the "perfect" place, and we started to get anxious, and started to have all these "how if?"s in our heads.
maybe we're too perfectionist, fussy and pedantic about the new apartment, i don't know, but we seemed not able to be fully satisfied with any of the place we saw. i mean, it's not just merely finding a shelter from melbourne's unpredictable and lately hideous weather nor just a place to sleep at night, but we want to have a home.
and one week before the arrival of the big bosses (i.e my mum and dad), God stretched out His helping hands through this single soul called andrew. andrew is our one-and-a-half block away neighbour and our old old friend. since he is sis' good friend, back from middle school days, he was helping out as well. in that decisive week, he went down from his neo pad, to the real estate agency. as he asked for the current listings, a malaysian girl (let's call her v) overheard him and asked:
v: "hey are you looking for an apartment?"
a: "oh, i'm helping my friend to find one"
v: "oh, coz i might be able to help you if you or your friend is interested..."
then she started to explain the situation. she wanted to move out from her current place 2 months earlier than her current contract, so she would have to break the contract. and if she could find someone to replace her, then she wouldn't have to pay the penalty. as andrew described, she was pretty desperate and we were too at that moment. so he immediately called us and we inspected the place straightaway that night.
we fell in love with 1412.
we lodged in an application. however, we still feel unsetttled, waiting for the application to be accepted. so we spent the past few days, the past week actually feeling like we're in constant constipation, waiting in fullest anticipation for a ring from the agent. we rang several times yet the answer was always the same, "still waiting for the owner's reply".
yesterday, we couldn't stand it anymore, so we went to the city, lodged in another back up (although, we both know that our hearts were set on 1412). then we went for lunch, and then wandered aimlessly in the city, trying to find consolations from myer's glittery baubles and christmas wreaths.
then...
my phone rang...
we're getting 1412!
our hearts lightened in a flash and we continued our window shopping happily, wearing a sheepish grin on our faces. finally, one thing is settled.
looking back, i realized that God is teaching me not to depend on myself all the time, thinking that i can do things without Him. bullshit. we did pray for this new place we need, but somehow we still rely on ourselves browsing, calling up agents, and inspecting. who would have thought that we would get one by a chance meeting?
we have no control of what happens tomorrow, He does! so why can't we just trust Him with our life? i'll learn to involve God in every decision, every plan, every scheming that i make.
last sunday service, i got these Words smacked right onto my face.
last night discipleship, it was etched forever in my heart.
it makes totally perfect sense now.
13 Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.”
14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.
15 Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.”
16 As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil.
17 Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins.
Monday, November 24, 2008
behind those clouds
clouds are hanging low this morning, and such weather always makes me blue. i have suffered under the constant agony of uncertainties these past few weeks and the sky seems not to care. i shivered as i crept out of bed onto the swivel chair and clicked on explorer. and i started typing this coz i want all of you to know, if you are in my position at the moment, that God does care.
He knows every single thing we face in life for He is in control. but He wants us to be strong so He lets us struggle and strive. Just like a father towards his children.
...i might not look like i do, always putting up a cheery and smiling front, but i have fears and worries,
i am waiting for results,
getting a new apartment,
finding a job,
waiting for life to get easier.
but then i realize that it wont until i change my perspective towards it. i have to look at life through Christ's glasses. He sent encouragement through Ps Misso :) Ps Misso said that life is full of uncertainties, but it is also a gift from God, and how we choose to live life, it would determine our happiness.
i'd borrow the statement Lo put up in her msn, "the antidote of fear is faith."
allie needs to have more faith.
i wanna be able to see the blue sky when it's raining heavily in my life.
*image courtesy of eL*
He knows every single thing we face in life for He is in control. but He wants us to be strong so He lets us struggle and strive. Just like a father towards his children.
...i might not look like i do, always putting up a cheery and smiling front, but i have fears and worries,
i am waiting for results,
getting a new apartment,
finding a job,
waiting for life to get easier.
but then i realize that it wont until i change my perspective towards it. i have to look at life through Christ's glasses. He sent encouragement through Ps Misso :) Ps Misso said that life is full of uncertainties, but it is also a gift from God, and how we choose to live life, it would determine our happiness.
i'd borrow the statement Lo put up in her msn, "the antidote of fear is faith."
allie needs to have more faith.
i wanna be able to see the blue sky when it's raining heavily in my life.
*image courtesy of eL*
Friday, November 21, 2008
hundreds and hundreds of crepe flowers
tomorrow's the day for all these crepe flowers, ribbons, candles, costumes, stages, acts, clips, tunes, instruments, words, voices, melodies, flyers, posters, brochures, facebook and email invitations, speakers, amplifiers, cables, spotlights, cameras, videos and each and every person and prayers and praises and worships to be used for God's glory.there is no point in us doing it if it's not for His works. lest we forget that He is the main character, the ultimate protagonist in this blessed epic of salvation. hope that all tears and sweats and blood (note: HIS blood) were not shed for nothing. it was shed for the grandest plan, "for God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life."
open hearts. receptive minds. thwarted egos.
to come and to receive You.
that's all i asked of You.
Lord, come :)
p.s. thanks eL and gitty for their hands
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
rehearsal
by the way, we had christmas rehearsal just now... the performance still needs a lot of honing and fine tuning... but, it's not the essential, right?
for me, it's as simple as we're giving our best and God will work through it to reap the souls~ all by grace as long as we're available^^ *happy happy* when i was there singing, i just forget everything else. i'm very scared though... that i will use ministry to escape anxiety... merely to keep busy...
nevertheless, i'm pumped!
for me, it's as simple as we're giving our best and God will work through it to reap the souls~ all by grace as long as we're available^^ *happy happy* when i was there singing, i just forget everything else. i'm very scared though... that i will use ministry to escape anxiety... merely to keep busy...
nevertheless, i'm pumped!
uneasy
i hate this feeling.
i want to feel happy after finishing exams but i cant.
i dunno why the school likes to keep their students in constant anxiety and not letting us graduating peacefully. why do they have to break bad news in two stages? the way they do it is torture even for those who actually pass. they say, they will let us know via email if we need to sit supplementary exams. so, today, there were 64 palpitating and anxious dents sitting for the whole day in front of their computers, checking their mail every 15 minutes and freaking out at the words "1 new email".
today's over and most rejoiced for the absence of news. but the same thing will happen all over again on monday when they will let us know if we have to do 3 months of extra clinical work before unleashing us to the wild wild world.
God, help!
i want to feel happy after finishing exams but i cant.
i dunno why the school likes to keep their students in constant anxiety and not letting us graduating peacefully. why do they have to break bad news in two stages? the way they do it is torture even for those who actually pass. they say, they will let us know via email if we need to sit supplementary exams. so, today, there were 64 palpitating and anxious dents sitting for the whole day in front of their computers, checking their mail every 15 minutes and freaking out at the words "1 new email".
today's over and most rejoiced for the absence of news. but the same thing will happen all over again on monday when they will let us know if we have to do 3 months of extra clinical work before unleashing us to the wild wild world.
God, help!
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
for you who kept asking how did my exams go
2 more days, to the final exam of my life, EVER (provided no sups for me, that is). am i thrilled? strangely, no. scared? no. people kept asking me about how i feel at this very moment, almost finishing uni.
...i feel nothing is different from the usual. no sense of urgency either to study hard. i study what i could and take the rest easy, chilling with nie-berry and elple and h, went to watch a movie with st kilda + mr tant. well... the nerve and anxiety is still there. as soon as my distance from the RDHM decreases, i started to get palpitations, clammy hands, and tremors, adrenaline kicking in, ready to fight or flight.
but somehow, yesterday's treatment planning vi-vo went better than i expected, at least better than the first day patient presentation.
firstly, i was sitting down snuggly on a chair instead standing up. it does make a difference! at least for me, although the examiners also sat on both my sides. since my trinity days, i found that i stutter less when i speak sitting down, so the exam arrangement yesterday played to my advantage.
secondly, the nerves somehow calmed down a bit and have adjusted from the first day exam shock. i was able to think a tad more clearly to answer mccullough's volley of questions. i really think he had fun bullying me with those stupid sjogren syndrome question yesterday! the fifth and the sixth diagnostic test for SS? thank God, i know the answer although i only got to say one (he moved on to the next question so quickly...). it was the serology for anti-LA and anti-Ro and also minor salivary gland biopsy, if there's a focal collection of at least 50 lmphocytes, it is diagnostic of SS :D
anyway, thirdly, the familiarity of mccullough and wallace render them as less intimidating examiners in comparison to parashos and tucker whom i've never met before (except parashos gave us few lectures on endodontic prognosis and... i can't even remember the other lectures he gave... sigh. endo is really not my forte) on the other hand, mccullough is our research supervisor whom we see every few weeks for the past one and a half year, who will surely remembers anyone from our group. and he's never the serious type. i mean, please, this lecturer would not wear a tie when chairing a formal university presentation session and poor dr manton had to lend him his tie. yes, the one he was wearing! it was kinda cute when the bear-like dr manton put in on our jeans-clad a/prof mccullough.
well, glad those are over.
still, after exams, there's still so many things to do in this end of the year and i really dunno how this little body will take it. it would be a tough, busy and happy end of the year. i believe though that JC has been keeping watch on me all this time, otherwise i would have broken down by now. it's just too much too handle sometimes. yet, He's with me :)
so... if i want to be stress-free in this stressful period, what i need to learn is to surrender all to God. easily said, however as i commented on ivan's post two days ago, it has always been difficult to surrender 100% to our Lord. we kept holding back few things that we think, "these ones i can handle by myself, thank you very much Lord" :(
"Cast your cares to the Lord and He will sustain you
He will never let the righteous fall" - Psalm 55:22
...i feel nothing is different from the usual. no sense of urgency either to study hard. i study what i could and take the rest easy, chilling with nie-berry and elple and h, went to watch a movie with st kilda + mr tant. well... the nerve and anxiety is still there. as soon as my distance from the RDHM decreases, i started to get palpitations, clammy hands, and tremors, adrenaline kicking in, ready to fight or flight.
but somehow, yesterday's treatment planning vi-vo went better than i expected, at least better than the first day patient presentation.
firstly, i was sitting down snuggly on a chair instead standing up. it does make a difference! at least for me, although the examiners also sat on both my sides. since my trinity days, i found that i stutter less when i speak sitting down, so the exam arrangement yesterday played to my advantage.
secondly, the nerves somehow calmed down a bit and have adjusted from the first day exam shock. i was able to think a tad more clearly to answer mccullough's volley of questions. i really think he had fun bullying me with those stupid sjogren syndrome question yesterday! the fifth and the sixth diagnostic test for SS? thank God, i know the answer although i only got to say one (he moved on to the next question so quickly...). it was the serology for anti-LA and anti-Ro and also minor salivary gland biopsy, if there's a focal collection of at least 50 lmphocytes, it is diagnostic of SS :D
anyway, thirdly, the familiarity of mccullough and wallace render them as less intimidating examiners in comparison to parashos and tucker whom i've never met before (except parashos gave us few lectures on endodontic prognosis and... i can't even remember the other lectures he gave... sigh. endo is really not my forte) on the other hand, mccullough is our research supervisor whom we see every few weeks for the past one and a half year, who will surely remembers anyone from our group. and he's never the serious type. i mean, please, this lecturer would not wear a tie when chairing a formal university presentation session and poor dr manton had to lend him his tie. yes, the one he was wearing! it was kinda cute when the bear-like dr manton put in on our jeans-clad a/prof mccullough.
well, glad those are over.
still, after exams, there's still so many things to do in this end of the year and i really dunno how this little body will take it. it would be a tough, busy and happy end of the year. i believe though that JC has been keeping watch on me all this time, otherwise i would have broken down by now. it's just too much too handle sometimes. yet, He's with me :)
so... if i want to be stress-free in this stressful period, what i need to learn is to surrender all to God. easily said, however as i commented on ivan's post two days ago, it has always been difficult to surrender 100% to our Lord. we kept holding back few things that we think, "these ones i can handle by myself, thank you very much Lord" :(
"Cast your cares to the Lord and He will sustain you
He will never let the righteous fall" - Psalm 55:22
Friday, November 7, 2008
i have a dream
i have a dream. a BIG dream.
a little too BIG for a girl of my size.
something a little out of reach.
tickled your curiousity fibres?
for now, i'll surrender it to God.
i shall start praying for it today...
so it won't be just my plan but also HIS :)
a little too BIG for a girl of my size.
something a little out of reach.
tickled your curiousity fibres?
for now, i'll surrender it to God.
i shall start praying for it today...
so it won't be just my plan but also HIS :)
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Hebrew 12:5-11
from ci yuli
5 And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
“My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
6 because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.”
7 Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father?
8 If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons.
9 Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live!
10 Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness.
11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
5 And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
“My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
6 because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.”
7 Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father?
8 If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons.
9 Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live!
10 Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness.
11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
marvelous light
It’s already November. I am very close to celebrating my sixth Aussie Christmas. Down under, Christmas is never white. It’s hot. Yes, we have the Christmas lights draping some suburbs like Ivanhoe and of course, the CBD, but it doesn’t feel like the typical Christmas that we have in mind [and Hollywood sells], where the snow is supposed to be falling outside, covering the ground, people sitting by the fireplace around the Christmas tree, opening up their presents, children squealing with joy when they find the long-wanted Barbie doll or newest model of toy car in their huge boxes. A time for family, blinking lights and wrapping papers.
Christmas back at home is also, hmmm, how to put it... unconventional? December 25 is a very important date in my dad’s family, not because it is Jesus’ birthday, but because it is my grandma’s. So, we will gather at my grandma’s house every year, eating dishes together around a huge round table like a good Chinese family does and celebrate. Moreover, it’s public holiday for everyone so the family uses the opportunity to catch up with each other, including me and my cousins, who will chat away, gossiping and talking about our favourite topic: boys.
But, being a Christian, it brought me thinking...
...are those all there is to Christmas?
How about Jesus?
How dare we forget about him?
I am not saying media’s depiction of Christmas is entirely wrong. Love and family are important, but, think with me for a moment. You don’t have to wait till Christmas to love someone or to be with your family. So what is Christmas for?
The word Christmas itself, originated from Christ’s mass, literally means as a mass or service for Christ. How did it turned out to be a commercial holiday, I don’t know, and I don’t care. What I do care is people must come back to the true meaning of Christmas, which has been long forgotten.
I shall brave myself to say... it’s an evidence of how our eyes, including mine, have been so blinded by the darkness of this world. We have been living in a world void of light to the point that we can’t even remember what a light is. So, JC came down to this world and “called you [us] out of darkness into His wonderful light” (1 Peter 2:9b), because we wouldn’t be able to do it by ourselves. And the day when this Saviour was born, that is Christmas.
Christmas is the time we are supposed to be celebrating the arrival of light into this dark world. The origin of Christmas lights that are adorning cities around the world at this very moment is this very concept of JC as the Light of the World. Sadly, though, we remember more of the lovely shiny and sparkly lights than the more beautiful JC himself.
How sad it is to be happy about Christmas, for the wrong reasons.
Who would you celebrate this Christmas?
It’s never too late to re-learn the true meaning of Christmas.
note: i wrote this column for a christmas blog... posted here as well since i dont think many people are yet to know about it's existence. here's the link. there will be other people posting too, not just me. enjoy!
and, oh, the song is courtesy of the blog editor, i just copy pasted it here^^
Monday, November 3, 2008
gifts or giver?
several times already during the past 2 weeks, during prayers, i felt God's feeling conveyed through the spirit in my heart. it was indescribable, it felt outlandish to the point that it was almost unbearable.
the feeling was simple.
the feeling of longing for someone.
the feeling of missing someone so much till u feel like crying.
it was rather sad. i wept like mad.
then it got me thinking... we always say and sing that He's all we want, He's all we ever needed. undeniably JC is all we need, but do we really want Him? as in Him in person, not merely His blessing, protection, providence, promises and all the good things that comes from Him?
so... here i am sitting in my pajamas, staring at my monitor...
...then, mr tant pasted this link on my msn
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTc_FoELt8s
and this phrase really caught my attention, "elevating gifts above giver"
harsh?
i know this clip is attacking the so called prosperity gospel and only half-relevant to what i am talking about but this is why God is sad. because of our folly.
God wants to have a relationship with us! it's good that we pray to Him everyday, but for what? new cars, new job, new house? blah! that's not the bloody point! [pardon my language] ...we need to learn to start longing for God, just for the sake of wanting Him, as a person, as a Father, as a friend, as the lover of our soul. not just wanting HDs or promotion at work or even good health.
merely wanting HIM.
tough calling, but that is what He put in my heart.
often, even as His workers, we fail. but i'm learning.
everything else can be taken away, but not my God.
the feeling was simple.
the feeling of longing for someone.
the feeling of missing someone so much till u feel like crying.
it was rather sad. i wept like mad.
then it got me thinking... we always say and sing that He's all we want, He's all we ever needed. undeniably JC is all we need, but do we really want Him? as in Him in person, not merely His blessing, protection, providence, promises and all the good things that comes from Him?
so... here i am sitting in my pajamas, staring at my monitor...
...then, mr tant pasted this link on my msn
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTc_FoELt8s
and this phrase really caught my attention, "elevating gifts above giver"
harsh?
i know this clip is attacking the so called prosperity gospel and only half-relevant to what i am talking about but this is why God is sad. because of our folly.
God wants to have a relationship with us! it's good that we pray to Him everyday, but for what? new cars, new job, new house? blah! that's not the bloody point! [pardon my language] ...we need to learn to start longing for God, just for the sake of wanting Him, as a person, as a Father, as a friend, as the lover of our soul. not just wanting HDs or promotion at work or even good health.
merely wanting HIM.
tough calling, but that is what He put in my heart.
often, even as His workers, we fail. but i'm learning.
everything else can be taken away, but not my God.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
when everything is almost over
sunday night.
kinda late already and i am very tired from playing hard all day. today was my short mid-study break, tried to satisfy my inner child before reverting back to chronic nerd-ness and geek-dom tomoro, where i will spend sessions at rmit library with my textbooks and notes. then get done and over with the forthcoming case presentation, treatment planning and OSCE exam.
before hitting the mattress, though, i thought of writing down 5 years worth of sentiments, as a closure to a nearly-finished chapter in my life...
i really wanna THANK GOD that i have been able to cruise through these labourous years of dentistry fairly smoothly, with nothing major actually happened. though there were still rocks along the way and at times i did stumble, i have never actually fall too hard (well, except probably that incident 6 months ago, which doesnt matter anymore now).
i wanna thank God for His providence, how eventhough in all the hardships i have to endure, not only at uni but also my life in general in this studying period of life, God has always had provided its way out or answers. honestly, this year, i have been very tired physically as well as drained mentally by all my problems. i worked in the clinics all day then still have to go do stuff at church, as many as 4-5 times a week. sometimes, i thought i should reconsider my involvement in ministry, since i barely have time for myself. yet, our God is indeed amazing, He just made everything works. study, ministry, everything!
i kinda understand now what does it mean when David said "the Lord is my shepherd, i shall not want" (Psalm 23:1)
He always gives enough.
i have no regrets.
one more step towards a new chapter of life.
i can't wait to see what He has provided for me.
p.s. thank you for reading my sentiments^^
kinda late already and i am very tired from playing hard all day. today was my short mid-study break, tried to satisfy my inner child before reverting back to chronic nerd-ness and geek-dom tomoro, where i will spend sessions at rmit library with my textbooks and notes. then get done and over with the forthcoming case presentation, treatment planning and OSCE exam.
before hitting the mattress, though, i thought of writing down 5 years worth of sentiments, as a closure to a nearly-finished chapter in my life...
i really wanna THANK GOD that i have been able to cruise through these labourous years of dentistry fairly smoothly, with nothing major actually happened. though there were still rocks along the way and at times i did stumble, i have never actually fall too hard (well, except probably that incident 6 months ago, which doesnt matter anymore now).
i wanna thank God for His providence, how eventhough in all the hardships i have to endure, not only at uni but also my life in general in this studying period of life, God has always had provided its way out or answers. honestly, this year, i have been very tired physically as well as drained mentally by all my problems. i worked in the clinics all day then still have to go do stuff at church, as many as 4-5 times a week. sometimes, i thought i should reconsider my involvement in ministry, since i barely have time for myself. yet, our God is indeed amazing, He just made everything works. study, ministry, everything!
i kinda understand now what does it mean when David said "the Lord is my shepherd, i shall not want" (Psalm 23:1)
He always gives enough.
i have no regrets.
one more step towards a new chapter of life.
i can't wait to see what He has provided for me.
p.s. thank you for reading my sentiments^^
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
still my child
He had many of bad habits
He was trying hard to break
And every time he thought it got better
He would make another mistake
Though he knows he's far from perfect
He is trying to live right
He asked me to ask You Father
Would You hear his prayer tonight?
He said tell him that I really need him
And I really want to change
The next time you talk to God
Would you please mention my name
Oh, tell Him that I really love Him
And although it's been a while
Ask Him for me am I still His child
I asked her how she was doing
She said not so good lately
Then I told her girl you know
You can always talk to me
She said these days haven't been so happy
Haven't had much peace of mind
Now I know that I should be praying
But I haven't had much time
So could you tell him that I really need him
And I really want to change
The next time you talk to God
Would you please mention my name
Oh, tell Him that I really love Him
And although it's been a while
Ask Him for me am I still His child
I know the answer to your question
Yes the Father still loves you
But sometimes when you have children
You don't always like what they do
So when you go to your heavenly Father
Say Lord I love You
And when you ask Him for forgiveness
This is what He'll say to you
I sent a message in the wind
When the birds sang their song
And when you went to sleep last night
I told the moon shine all night long
Just wanted you to talked to me
And I know it's been a while
And to answer the question
You are still my child
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Psalm 6
A psalm of David.
O LORD, do not rebuke me in your anger
or discipline me in your wrath.
Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint;
O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony.
My soul is in anguish.
How long, O LORD, how long?
Turn, O LORD, and deliver me;
save me because of your unfailing love.
No one remembers you when he is dead.
Who praises you from the grave?
I am worn out from groaning;
all night long I flood my bed with weeping
and drench my couch with tears.
My eyes grow weak with sorrow;
they fail because of all my foes.
Away from me, all you who do evil,
for the LORD has heard my weeping.
The LORD has heard my cry for mercy;
the LORD accepts my prayer.
All my enemies will be ashamed and dismayed;
they will turn back in sudden disgrace.
O LORD, do not rebuke me in your anger
or discipline me in your wrath.
Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint;
O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony.
My soul is in anguish.
How long, O LORD, how long?
Turn, O LORD, and deliver me;
save me because of your unfailing love.
No one remembers you when he is dead.
Who praises you from the grave?
I am worn out from groaning;
all night long I flood my bed with weeping
and drench my couch with tears.
My eyes grow weak with sorrow;
they fail because of all my foes.
Away from me, all you who do evil,
for the LORD has heard my weeping.
The LORD has heard my cry for mercy;
the LORD accepts my prayer.
All my enemies will be ashamed and dismayed;
they will turn back in sudden disgrace.
Monday, October 20, 2008
blessing in disguise?
most people suffer from monday-itis (definition: a condition where the sufferer dreads monday mornings and feels so lazy to go to work. tend to be sleepy and irritable for at least few hours until lunchtime). "most people" would include me. and this morning, it was an especially bad case of monday-itis.
6.12
i woke up early, sleepy and cranky... i showered and got ready for a long day. packed my lunch, drank a glass of warm milk with honey then realized that it's time to scoot off. i prayed a little prayer while i walked out the apartment, "God, please let today be a great day" (which i usually just rush out of the house and forget to do)
little did i know what would happen today...
7.09
at the tram stop, i saw this number 70 tram approaching from flinder st west. the tram took bloody 2 minutes to reached the stop [irritant #1], still, i got on the tram, hoping that i wouldnt miss my train.
7.17
literally ran from the tram stop to platform 2 flinders street. i hope i didnt miss it!! the 7.17 belgrave train!
shoot...
i did miss it [irritant #2]
so i sms-ed bambi telling him that i would be late. but guess what? 30 seconds later he was standing next to me... we both had missed the train! [irritant #3] oh well... what to do... we sat and just wait.
7.42
we got on the next belgrave train. i was staring absentmindedly at the window. bambi dozed off.
8.36
"the next station is ferntree gully"
i woke bambi up and we started making our way to the clinic.
8.45
finally, we've reached our final destination!! and still have 15 minutes before the first patient. things are not so bad after all :)
however, fiona just had to be the bringer of bad news. she said that she's not sure what to do since our supervisor, dan, has called in sick today, so we shouldnt set up the surgery yet until she talked to the practice manager. she came back in 2 minutes and told us that we're free to go home and do some study. [irritant #4] great, i spent $4.74 and 54 minutes to spend only 5 minutes at knox. roaarrrr! angry!
10.00
reached southern cross station just in time for my metcard to expire. first good thing that happened after the series of misfortunes :D
oh wait, it's not the first. earlier, our exasperation had me and bambi waken up completely from our sleepy and drowsy selves, and decided to resume our routine in-the-train quizzes and discussion, so that all the troubles we had to go through this morning a little bit worthwhile. so we started arguing and discussing about various dental topics, from reverse pull headgear, OVD and class 3 to why calcium hydroxide is contraindicated for primary teeth pulpotomy, to the point that we were laughing at each other trying to imitate class 3 profile. ah, i feel my heart got a bit lighter, as well as slightly enlightened in basic orthodontics. then i realize that i am actually pumped up for studying after our little session.
then...
i come to a realization. maybe God reads my blog too (just kidding, i'm just being silly) but remember how in the last posting i said i was tired? He knows. and He lets me have a day off today. excellent! just what i needed. a day off to study! yayyy!
today was not great to start with, but i'm glad i have the time to study and chill off a little bit. well, a nice twist from the usual rushed routine.
God did hear my lousy little prayer.
it's gonna be a great day~
16.25
allie is happy~ i studied for 3.5 hours without any interruption.
6.12
i woke up early, sleepy and cranky... i showered and got ready for a long day. packed my lunch, drank a glass of warm milk with honey then realized that it's time to scoot off. i prayed a little prayer while i walked out the apartment, "God, please let today be a great day" (which i usually just rush out of the house and forget to do)
little did i know what would happen today...
7.09
at the tram stop, i saw this number 70 tram approaching from flinder st west. the tram took bloody 2 minutes to reached the stop [irritant #1], still, i got on the tram, hoping that i wouldnt miss my train.
7.17
literally ran from the tram stop to platform 2 flinders street. i hope i didnt miss it!! the 7.17 belgrave train!
shoot...
i did miss it [irritant #2]
so i sms-ed bambi telling him that i would be late. but guess what? 30 seconds later he was standing next to me... we both had missed the train! [irritant #3] oh well... what to do... we sat and just wait.
7.42
we got on the next belgrave train. i was staring absentmindedly at the window. bambi dozed off.
8.36
"the next station is ferntree gully"
i woke bambi up and we started making our way to the clinic.
8.45
finally, we've reached our final destination!! and still have 15 minutes before the first patient. things are not so bad after all :)
however, fiona just had to be the bringer of bad news. she said that she's not sure what to do since our supervisor, dan, has called in sick today, so we shouldnt set up the surgery yet until she talked to the practice manager. she came back in 2 minutes and told us that we're free to go home and do some study. [irritant #4] great, i spent $4.74 and 54 minutes to spend only 5 minutes at knox. roaarrrr! angry!
10.00
reached southern cross station just in time for my metcard to expire. first good thing that happened after the series of misfortunes :D
oh wait, it's not the first. earlier, our exasperation had me and bambi waken up completely from our sleepy and drowsy selves, and decided to resume our routine in-the-train quizzes and discussion, so that all the troubles we had to go through this morning a little bit worthwhile. so we started arguing and discussing about various dental topics, from reverse pull headgear, OVD and class 3 to why calcium hydroxide is contraindicated for primary teeth pulpotomy, to the point that we were laughing at each other trying to imitate class 3 profile. ah, i feel my heart got a bit lighter, as well as slightly enlightened in basic orthodontics. then i realize that i am actually pumped up for studying after our little session.
then...
i come to a realization. maybe God reads my blog too (just kidding, i'm just being silly) but remember how in the last posting i said i was tired? He knows. and He lets me have a day off today. excellent! just what i needed. a day off to study! yayyy!
today was not great to start with, but i'm glad i have the time to study and chill off a little bit. well, a nice twist from the usual rushed routine.
God did hear my lousy little prayer.
it's gonna be a great day~
16.25
allie is happy~ i studied for 3.5 hours without any interruption.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
tired
it's Saturday. not even 7 in the morning yet and i am wide awake, with some aching muscle and slight runny nose. God, i hope i'm not falling sick. i rolled and rolled in my bed yet i couldnt go back to sleep coz my body clock has been unwillingly conditioned to wake up at 6 something. so i crept out from bed to my desk and said hi to my lovely pc.
yesterday L shared about her week in FA.
and to my delight she posted it online.
it has been a blessing to me to see my sis grows in the Lord~
as she has pointed out, this is the final weeks of the semester for us, students. it's a difficult time for every type of student. those who has been working hard will put more effort to finish all assignments and studying for finals. those who has not been working hard will start to work hard to catch up.
in terms of revision, i have plenty to catch up. many times i wanted to study after a long day of clinic and church, i ended up falling asleep, just because my body couldnt take the physical strain anymore. life is not just mere uni, but also ministry, grocery shopping, cooking, laundry and taking care of my freaking hardworking sis who wouldn't remember to eat when she has turned her working mode on.
take mondays for example, i go to knox to work in the clinic from 8.30 to 5, so i need to wake up at 6, get ready and catch the 7.17 train from flinders, then after a long day of drilling and filling, hurry back to the city for menado and discipleship, then cook the very-late-dinner (probably should call it supper) and sometimes has no strength already to do the dishes. i'll be thinking, "man, i'm bloody tired... i need a break..." so i'll just go online for a while, check facebook, some blogs i follow for new updates, realestate.com.au (which has been my favourite website for the past month)... and then sleep coz the next morning similar sort of cycle repeats. study? it has to be either forced or squeezed somewhere.
however, considering the crazy cycle i have to go through everyday, i still can smile. i am still absolutely healthy today although kinda drained physically. i am still sane and have perfectly sound mind to process all those therapeutic guidelines, endodontic diagnosis, dental materials and whatever study i can squeeze in. i am really grateful for the mini quizzes i have with bambi on the train back from knox and whitehorse. it's a good revision for both of us and it makes revising so much fun. you wouldnt imagine how much i hated him for his sleaziness years ago. now i treasure him for all that he is has shaped me into the me who can withstand any person, hehe.
everyone is tired. it's not just me.
but L's sharing really strengthened me.
especially what she said after all her doodads.
"i'll be fine, He's with me" (L, 2008)
I THANK GOD :)
yes, i am ready for a new day.
yesterday L shared about her week in FA.
and to my delight she posted it online.
it has been a blessing to me to see my sis grows in the Lord~
as she has pointed out, this is the final weeks of the semester for us, students. it's a difficult time for every type of student. those who has been working hard will put more effort to finish all assignments and studying for finals. those who has not been working hard will start to work hard to catch up.
in terms of revision, i have plenty to catch up. many times i wanted to study after a long day of clinic and church, i ended up falling asleep, just because my body couldnt take the physical strain anymore. life is not just mere uni, but also ministry, grocery shopping, cooking, laundry and taking care of my freaking hardworking sis who wouldn't remember to eat when she has turned her working mode on.
take mondays for example, i go to knox to work in the clinic from 8.30 to 5, so i need to wake up at 6, get ready and catch the 7.17 train from flinders, then after a long day of drilling and filling, hurry back to the city for menado and discipleship, then cook the very-late-dinner (probably should call it supper) and sometimes has no strength already to do the dishes. i'll be thinking, "man, i'm bloody tired... i need a break..." so i'll just go online for a while, check facebook, some blogs i follow for new updates, realestate.com.au (which has been my favourite website for the past month)... and then sleep coz the next morning similar sort of cycle repeats. study? it has to be either forced or squeezed somewhere.
however, considering the crazy cycle i have to go through everyday, i still can smile. i am still absolutely healthy today although kinda drained physically. i am still sane and have perfectly sound mind to process all those therapeutic guidelines, endodontic diagnosis, dental materials and whatever study i can squeeze in. i am really grateful for the mini quizzes i have with bambi on the train back from knox and whitehorse. it's a good revision for both of us and it makes revising so much fun. you wouldnt imagine how much i hated him for his sleaziness years ago. now i treasure him for all that he is has shaped me into the me who can withstand any person, hehe.
everyone is tired. it's not just me.
but L's sharing really strengthened me.
especially what she said after all her doodads.
"i'll be fine, He's with me" (L, 2008)
I THANK GOD :)
yes, i am ready for a new day.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
humans are social beings, 2nd edition (revised and improved)
yeah people, this is the revised version of the note i posted in my facebook. it wont be exactly the same but it will still be about the same thing :)
some recent conversations with some random people led me to think about how everyday we meet different people.
and we talk to them.
and we interact with them.
thus we make friends.
it's inevitable since we are social beings, we will always need others. however, do we treat other nicely? do we treat other nicely just because we need them? or we even dont treat people nicely at all!?
JC told us to love our neighbour as ourselves. have we obeyed him?
let's discuss few cases:
case #1:
i was chatting with my sis while we're strolling in the city, in the midst of lunch rush, we came to this conversation on how sometimes people expect one to treat themselves nicely while they themselves not doing it. even the secular world have this principle "what you want people to do to you or for you, you do it first to them or for them". otherwise, you will live in one disappointment after another, living in too high expectations of people will be kind to you when you are just sitting there doing nothing.
case #2:
do not judge a book by its cover. cliche? yet so true. 2 days ago on the collins street tram, there was this little italian lady trying to find her way to bourke street. guess who helped her? not one of those executives clad in armani suits, no. it was this aboriginal woman who ended up chatting with me and the little old lady. surprised? no. people can look nice but they might not be nice at all.
case #3:
how if you're trying to be a nice and good person but somehow circumstances keep playing their trick on you? like a recent experience of an undisclosed source. she lost something. not her fault. then she found out who took it. no one believes her. what could she do? get angry? what for? my own experience told me that all evildoings will have its own punishment in the end. there's no need to worry too much. pray for that person to repent and just keep going on with what you have.
case #4:
i had a conversation yesterday that reminded me on how i take on this matter in life.
bambi is my faithful clinic partner, who at times can be irritating and he knows it (that he's irritating at times). but still, we're in very good term (coz we spend 5 years working together) and we even think that we are the dream team! he usually fall asleep when doing suction for me, which everyone in dental now know as a common knowledge :p anyway, we were in a taxi, the three of us, me, deb and bambi, and we were chatting away till we struck this topic... it goes abit like this...
deb : "i love working with jane [her clinic partner], she's the best nurse!"
bambi : "oh, me and alice is the dream team..."
deb : "everyone will say that they and their partner is the dream team!"
bambi: "yeah... but the thing is, we're the dream team because alice has just so much patience with me. the way she wakes me up if i fell asleep suctioning is just like calling "bambi... bambi..." she's never angry or shout at me..."
alice : "well, i guess... i don't like it if someone scold me in front of the patient and i guess you wouldn't like it either, so i won't do it to you..."
taxi driver : "this is spencer street station, where do you want me to drop you off?"
now you know my stand.
please note that it is not that you have to be nice first SO THAT people will be nice to you. i just think that, isnt it nice to be nice to other people? it takes less muscle to smile, thus less effort, than to frown. you never lose anything by being nice to people. maybe experience taught you that being nice is just a waste of time, everyone will just end up using you. you know what? i dont care~ i have lost things by being nice to people but those are just temporary things, i dont care, honestly. i feel happier being a nice person than a grumpy person.
yeah, to quote L, a sincerely nice person is a rare gem. if you befriend one treasure him/her. but what's better is for you to be one. personally, i think we should just be nice to everyone, yet still, be firm when you need to. be friend with everyone, accept them the way they are, along with their weaknesses. we have weaknesses too, dont we?
let's learn together to be a good friend.
some recent conversations with some random people led me to think about how everyday we meet different people.
and we talk to them.
and we interact with them.
thus we make friends.
it's inevitable since we are social beings, we will always need others. however, do we treat other nicely? do we treat other nicely just because we need them? or we even dont treat people nicely at all!?
JC told us to love our neighbour as ourselves. have we obeyed him?
let's discuss few cases:
case #1:
i was chatting with my sis while we're strolling in the city, in the midst of lunch rush, we came to this conversation on how sometimes people expect one to treat themselves nicely while they themselves not doing it. even the secular world have this principle "what you want people to do to you or for you, you do it first to them or for them". otherwise, you will live in one disappointment after another, living in too high expectations of people will be kind to you when you are just sitting there doing nothing.
case #2:
do not judge a book by its cover. cliche? yet so true. 2 days ago on the collins street tram, there was this little italian lady trying to find her way to bourke street. guess who helped her? not one of those executives clad in armani suits, no. it was this aboriginal woman who ended up chatting with me and the little old lady. surprised? no. people can look nice but they might not be nice at all.
case #3:
how if you're trying to be a nice and good person but somehow circumstances keep playing their trick on you? like a recent experience of an undisclosed source. she lost something. not her fault. then she found out who took it. no one believes her. what could she do? get angry? what for? my own experience told me that all evildoings will have its own punishment in the end. there's no need to worry too much. pray for that person to repent and just keep going on with what you have.
case #4:
i had a conversation yesterday that reminded me on how i take on this matter in life.
bambi is my faithful clinic partner, who at times can be irritating and he knows it (that he's irritating at times). but still, we're in very good term (coz we spend 5 years working together) and we even think that we are the dream team! he usually fall asleep when doing suction for me, which everyone in dental now know as a common knowledge :p anyway, we were in a taxi, the three of us, me, deb and bambi, and we were chatting away till we struck this topic... it goes abit like this...
deb : "i love working with jane [her clinic partner], she's the best nurse!"
bambi : "oh, me and alice is the dream team..."
deb : "everyone will say that they and their partner is the dream team!"
bambi: "yeah... but the thing is, we're the dream team because alice has just so much patience with me. the way she wakes me up if i fell asleep suctioning is just like calling "bambi... bambi..." she's never angry or shout at me..."
alice : "well, i guess... i don't like it if someone scold me in front of the patient and i guess you wouldn't like it either, so i won't do it to you..."
taxi driver : "this is spencer street station, where do you want me to drop you off?"
now you know my stand.
please note that it is not that you have to be nice first SO THAT people will be nice to you. i just think that, isnt it nice to be nice to other people? it takes less muscle to smile, thus less effort, than to frown. you never lose anything by being nice to people. maybe experience taught you that being nice is just a waste of time, everyone will just end up using you. you know what? i dont care~ i have lost things by being nice to people but those are just temporary things, i dont care, honestly. i feel happier being a nice person than a grumpy person.
yeah, to quote L, a sincerely nice person is a rare gem. if you befriend one treasure him/her. but what's better is for you to be one. personally, i think we should just be nice to everyone, yet still, be firm when you need to. be friend with everyone, accept them the way they are, along with their weaknesses. we have weaknesses too, dont we?
let's learn together to be a good friend.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
united by grace
funny how KD should mention unity again in menado.
what say you about this?
we are united as the body of Christ and because we have Christ as the head, the body should obey what the head say right? but sometimes, no, many times we don't! how come the body of Christ does not obey its head? It is just not right.
KD shared about how we were created not just as a human-knowing (i don't think such word exists, but let's use it just for the sake of making my point), but human-beings (now u see what i mean...). we should not just know the Word of God, well yeah it's good but not good enough since it doesnt fulfil our purpose of creation, we must be the beings of the Word of God, and that, can be achieved through doing.
it's like playing tennis. first you know the theory. then you have to keep doing it, as in practising, the you can be it, like, for example, roger federer. if you never do it and you give up from the start, you will never be it, like me (i learned how to play tennis once, can never hit the ball, even the ones i throw myself, then i decided that tennis is not for me :D).
lesson learned?
keep on doing and doing and doing until you can be the true body of Christ~
it's not easy and it needs effort, but hey,
"But by the grace of God i am what i am
and His grace to me was not without effect.
No, i worked harder than all of them
yet not i, but the grace of God that was with me"
we have HIS GRACE.
what say you about this?
we are united as the body of Christ and because we have Christ as the head, the body should obey what the head say right? but sometimes, no, many times we don't! how come the body of Christ does not obey its head? It is just not right.
KD shared about how we were created not just as a human-knowing (i don't think such word exists, but let's use it just for the sake of making my point), but human-beings (now u see what i mean...). we should not just know the Word of God, well yeah it's good but not good enough since it doesnt fulfil our purpose of creation, we must be the beings of the Word of God, and that, can be achieved through doing.
it's like playing tennis. first you know the theory. then you have to keep doing it, as in practising, the you can be it, like, for example, roger federer. if you never do it and you give up from the start, you will never be it, like me (i learned how to play tennis once, can never hit the ball, even the ones i throw myself, then i decided that tennis is not for me :D).
lesson learned?
keep on doing and doing and doing until you can be the true body of Christ~
it's not easy and it needs effort, but hey,
"But by the grace of God i am what i am
and His grace to me was not without effect.
No, i worked harder than all of them
yet not i, but the grace of God that was with me"
we have HIS GRACE.
Monday, October 13, 2008
building blocks
"unity is not uniformity" (PCT, 2008)
we are all different building blocks that makes the body of Christ and Jesus is the head. like a lego.
i'm the impulsive little block!
we are all different building blocks that makes the body of Christ and Jesus is the head. like a lego.
i'm the impulsive little block!
Sunday, October 12, 2008
no worries
often we are over-familiarized to a verse that we tend to forget what it really means. take this one for example:
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life...
...Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"
Matthew 6:25a,27
so, yeah, although i did not know about the global financial crisis until KD mentioned it in the sermon this morning (pardon my ignorance :p now that i know i think i worry more), i was worrying for quite a lot of things. in fact, i think about too many things. not exactly unnecessary things to think about, but it is unnecessary to worry too much about such things. and today's word is exactly the answer to my worries.
i have read this popular verse so many times. but to truly understand its meaning? maybe not. it's easy to say amen to God's words when we are in a comfortable position, when circumstances dont push you around. we say, yes, God is good, coz life is so good at that moment.
but to say that God is good when you have so much to worry about?
that is something to learn.
to put all hope and faith in our Lord.
to be rest assured that He takes care of His children.
maybe what He provided for us is not what we want, but hey, God knows best.
as for me, i am dreading this transitional period, from student life into profesional life, from old apartment to new apartment (which i havent even found yet!), from the the dependent me to the independent me, but then again, JC is with me. and He said that each day has enough trouble of its own, why should i worry if i have God who will sustain me? as long as you seek first His kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
I THANK GOD for giving me just what i needed.
p.s. i know this is random, but if God is an Aussie, He will say "no worries, mate!"
lol, hope you are all blessed too!
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life...
...Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"
Matthew 6:25a,27
so, yeah, although i did not know about the global financial crisis until KD mentioned it in the sermon this morning (pardon my ignorance :p now that i know i think i worry more), i was worrying for quite a lot of things. in fact, i think about too many things. not exactly unnecessary things to think about, but it is unnecessary to worry too much about such things. and today's word is exactly the answer to my worries.
i have read this popular verse so many times. but to truly understand its meaning? maybe not. it's easy to say amen to God's words when we are in a comfortable position, when circumstances dont push you around. we say, yes, God is good, coz life is so good at that moment.
but to say that God is good when you have so much to worry about?
that is something to learn.
to put all hope and faith in our Lord.
to be rest assured that He takes care of His children.
maybe what He provided for us is not what we want, but hey, God knows best.
as for me, i am dreading this transitional period, from student life into profesional life, from old apartment to new apartment (which i havent even found yet!), from the the dependent me to the independent me, but then again, JC is with me. and He said that each day has enough trouble of its own, why should i worry if i have God who will sustain me? as long as you seek first His kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
I THANK GOD for giving me just what i needed.
p.s. i know this is random, but if God is an Aussie, He will say "no worries, mate!"
lol, hope you are all blessed too!
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
the devil doesnt like it
one thing i learned long time ago but just recently realized that it actually happens, is that the devil doesnt like it when you are encouraged to grow in the Lord.
there will always be something, may it be circumstances, people, problems, disappointment or whatever, that brings you down, hinders you and stops you from coming to the Lord, when you are just about to be one step closer to Him.
everytime we level up spiritually, something is bound to happen.
my something was...
losing my wallet on sunday! right after i found my reason to keep going!
surprise surprise! i didnt even think of it that way until today's kudo. but what c yuli was saying regarding this matter rang a bell in my head. it's like "oooh maybe that's why it happened..." i'm not putting all the blame to the devil. well, he is to blame for all the corruption in this world, but arent we humans are to blame to? we have free will to choose which one we want to follow yet we still chose him instead of HIM.
anyway, before i went too far off the track, yeah maybe i lost my wallet because the devil didn't like it to see me encouraged to keep serving my Lord (plus my own carelessness :p). but I THANK GOD, coz... it was not too troublesome at all for me to get my cards back. i made few phone calls, visited few places (which luckily are all in the city) and by today i have regained my student card, bank cards, medibank cards, apartment access cards and stuff. and there were so many people lent me a helping hand, some two. i am grateful.
so, the lesson learned today is not merely "everytime we level up spiritually, something is bound to happen" but most importantly to "hang in there when it happens" coz God is with us through it all. what's more, to quote what one of my friend was saying "even [the] more reason to keep going cos it means u're heading in the rite direction!"
...and, final advice...
dont ever put ur bag behind your back!
there will always be something, may it be circumstances, people, problems, disappointment or whatever, that brings you down, hinders you and stops you from coming to the Lord, when you are just about to be one step closer to Him.
everytime we level up spiritually, something is bound to happen.
my something was...
losing my wallet on sunday! right after i found my reason to keep going!
surprise surprise! i didnt even think of it that way until today's kudo. but what c yuli was saying regarding this matter rang a bell in my head. it's like "oooh maybe that's why it happened..." i'm not putting all the blame to the devil. well, he is to blame for all the corruption in this world, but arent we humans are to blame to? we have free will to choose which one we want to follow yet we still chose him instead of HIM.
anyway, before i went too far off the track, yeah maybe i lost my wallet because the devil didn't like it to see me encouraged to keep serving my Lord (plus my own carelessness :p). but I THANK GOD, coz... it was not too troublesome at all for me to get my cards back. i made few phone calls, visited few places (which luckily are all in the city) and by today i have regained my student card, bank cards, medibank cards, apartment access cards and stuff. and there were so many people lent me a helping hand, some two. i am grateful.
so, the lesson learned today is not merely "everytime we level up spiritually, something is bound to happen" but most importantly to "hang in there when it happens" coz God is with us through it all. what's more, to quote what one of my friend was saying "even [the] more reason to keep going cos it means u're heading in the rite direction!"
...and, final advice...
dont ever put ur bag behind your back!
Sunday, October 5, 2008
the reason to keep going
i have been a translator for about 2 years.
it is not that i'm getting sick of this ministry nor i am bored nor tired of doing it. i still love it. yet, there are times when i feel unsure of what am i actually doing, week by week, sitting there at the very back of the auditorium, translating the words of our beloved KD, ko denny and many other excellent servants of God who came to preach in our church.
questions like, "am i doing a good job? do people actually understand me?" and most importantly, "was the message delivered properly?" keep popping out in my head.
just this afternoon, after the service, c yuli introduced me to david, a lovely old chap who uses translation every week and what he said encouraged me so much. a simple "i was blessed" and "i understand very clearly" were all that i need. it has not been in vain, my partaking in God's grand scheme for this world.
i THANK GOD for giving me the reason to keep going.
it is not that i'm getting sick of this ministry nor i am bored nor tired of doing it. i still love it. yet, there are times when i feel unsure of what am i actually doing, week by week, sitting there at the very back of the auditorium, translating the words of our beloved KD, ko denny and many other excellent servants of God who came to preach in our church.
questions like, "am i doing a good job? do people actually understand me?" and most importantly, "was the message delivered properly?" keep popping out in my head.
just this afternoon, after the service, c yuli introduced me to david, a lovely old chap who uses translation every week and what he said encouraged me so much. a simple "i was blessed" and "i understand very clearly" were all that i need. it has not been in vain, my partaking in God's grand scheme for this world.
i THANK GOD for giving me the reason to keep going.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
pivotal circumstances
this is pretty much why God allows those things to happen in our life:
http://northpoint.org/messages
click on the picture of the tree and listen to the one titled pivotal circumstances.
http://northpoint.org/messages
click on the picture of the tree and listen to the one titled pivotal circumstances.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
the restoration
that happened about 5 months ago. now i am back serving the Lord, more than ever.
...for me to be able to recuperate in such short period of time, it's nothing but God's doing. it's His miracle in my life :)
i said before, that i ran to JC. yes i did. most likely because the ones who broke the news were spiritual leaders from my church and they led me into prayer immediately after spilling the beans. they led me to forgive him straightaway and not to wallow in anger, sorrow, disappointment, resentment, and ultimately bitterness. I THANK GOD for that! however, still, as human as i can be, never i felt so hurt! i might not be able to trust any guy anymore. nor love.
so, after the incident, i was in Shepparton for one whole month. it's kinda like a blessing in disguise. in such unreachable place, i dont have to answer questions about the his whereabout, what is happening between us two, what is happening to him and so forth, and, it gave me time to be alone, to think over what had happened. what's more, i was there with a bunch of crazy, fun-seeking people, typical aussie youngsters, my uni mates. what other distraction do i need?
then, i came back to melbourne. no one asked me anything. and i said nothing. maybe they dont really know what happened, maybe they were told not to ask me anything. i dont care. I THANK GOD for that coz i wasnt ready to say anything. i started to work harder in my ministry, tried to do more and more, merely as a measure of escaping and keeping myself busy enough not to think about my misery.
but, JC is just so wonderful!
as i drawn close to Him - although with the wrong intention - He CAPTURED me.
Winter camp, July. i did expect to get something out of the winter camp. i was really needing JC. eventhough i have forgiven that guy from the start, there was still something holding me down in my heart. i was still a sad little person, living life with a smile in the facade, trying to be strong. i thought i couldnt cry anymore, but i was wrong. during one of the session, i cried again like i've never cried before. yeah... like some idiot. the paper i was holding in my hand, that we were suppose to tear, was so soaked in tears that it ripped by itself. God's love was so overwhelming that i came to understand what it means to surrender, what it means to trust and what it means to love.
yeah, back to melbourne, i thought, my heart's been mend. yay!
God is really God who met my expectations.
but that was not all.
He doesnt only meet our expectations, God always do more!
He did not only healed my heart, He also added to it!
never in my life, i want to serve the Lord more.
never in my life, i have the heart to pray for others, to serve others, to love others. i used to be a very insensitive and selfish person.
never in my life, my heart is so aflamed!
i just want you all to know, that our God is an amazing God, who loves us more than anything, that He gave His only son to die for us. for all of us. yes. everyone. no matter how deep u fall, He is always able to lift you back up again.
i can tell you for sure. have you all not read my story?
i was betrayed by love, JC gave me a new love, His own love, and that is sufficient for me.
i am not afraid to love anymore.
...for me to be able to recuperate in such short period of time, it's nothing but God's doing. it's His miracle in my life :)
i said before, that i ran to JC. yes i did. most likely because the ones who broke the news were spiritual leaders from my church and they led me into prayer immediately after spilling the beans. they led me to forgive him straightaway and not to wallow in anger, sorrow, disappointment, resentment, and ultimately bitterness. I THANK GOD for that! however, still, as human as i can be, never i felt so hurt! i might not be able to trust any guy anymore. nor love.
so, after the incident, i was in Shepparton for one whole month. it's kinda like a blessing in disguise. in such unreachable place, i dont have to answer questions about the his whereabout, what is happening between us two, what is happening to him and so forth, and, it gave me time to be alone, to think over what had happened. what's more, i was there with a bunch of crazy, fun-seeking people, typical aussie youngsters, my uni mates. what other distraction do i need?
then, i came back to melbourne. no one asked me anything. and i said nothing. maybe they dont really know what happened, maybe they were told not to ask me anything. i dont care. I THANK GOD for that coz i wasnt ready to say anything. i started to work harder in my ministry, tried to do more and more, merely as a measure of escaping and keeping myself busy enough not to think about my misery.
but, JC is just so wonderful!
as i drawn close to Him - although with the wrong intention - He CAPTURED me.
Winter camp, July. i did expect to get something out of the winter camp. i was really needing JC. eventhough i have forgiven that guy from the start, there was still something holding me down in my heart. i was still a sad little person, living life with a smile in the facade, trying to be strong. i thought i couldnt cry anymore, but i was wrong. during one of the session, i cried again like i've never cried before. yeah... like some idiot. the paper i was holding in my hand, that we were suppose to tear, was so soaked in tears that it ripped by itself. God's love was so overwhelming that i came to understand what it means to surrender, what it means to trust and what it means to love.
yeah, back to melbourne, i thought, my heart's been mend. yay!
God is really God who met my expectations.
but that was not all.
He doesnt only meet our expectations, God always do more!
He did not only healed my heart, He also added to it!
never in my life, i want to serve the Lord more.
never in my life, i have the heart to pray for others, to serve others, to love others. i used to be a very insensitive and selfish person.
never in my life, my heart is so aflamed!
i just want you all to know, that our God is an amazing God, who loves us more than anything, that He gave His only son to die for us. for all of us. yes. everyone. no matter how deep u fall, He is always able to lift you back up again.
i can tell you for sure. have you all not read my story?
i was betrayed by love, JC gave me a new love, His own love, and that is sufficient for me.
i am not afraid to love anymore.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
the heartbreak
http://www.new.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=37672263616&id=603306502&index=3
i was reading this facebook note when i came to realize that this note was written on my birthday. and it kinda makes me want to reflect to where my life has been so far, since the so-called-life-change occured.
i am just so glad now that i chose to stay. eventhough the fact that i stayed might have been a form of my escape from the pain experienced. that life-change did not fit into any of the ten categories mentioned, it was actually more painful than any of the things mentioned. it was unexpected and uh... kinda dramatic. it was something i thought would only happen in tv shows but not in real life or my life!
i was betrayed, hurt, deceived, swindled, whatever you want to call it by the person i hold very dear to my heart. my ex-boyfriend, for the whole 10 months of our relationship has been lying to me about everything he is, what he does, where he lives, to the extent i couldnt even imagine! and there i was, so dumb, so blinded by love, never noticing nor suspicious about anything until he disappeared.
disappear, you say? where did he disappear to?
someones broke the news to me. his sudden disappearance was because he was taken into custody in detention centre to be deported and all the story about his work, his house and his everything is basically just a gigantic well made up lie since he doesnt even have a passport as much as he doesnt have a place to live!
wouldnt this kind of news turn your world upside down?
i didnt want to believe, but they have evidence.
i was utterly devastated.
i took a sickie that week and cried for a whole week. maybe two.
come to think about it, it all does make sense...
he came to my place everyday to have dinner, watch movies together with me and left very late although i have morning classes the next day.
now i know it was because he needed a shelter.
he wouldnt take me to eat at nice places although he knew i want to go so much.
now i know it was because he couldnt afford it.
he didnt tell me of his circumstances even after i know from someone else.
...
do you know what he told me?
what?
he said that he was not in town due to work assigment, that his office sent him to someplace faraway. when he needed to go back to our home country, he said it was because his parents needed him, urgently. and what a fortunate thing for him that during those times i was out of town myself so i wouldnt be able to go and send him to the airport.
unbelievable! i deduced it was because of his pride. he was ashamed to be such person that he built a lie so extravagant to get acceptance from people. and from me.
he never told me till the end. no, never. he still called me though and continued with the lies. i played along.
then i told him i want to leave him.
we both cried that night, on the phone. like idiots.
i dont know exactly why he cried. maybe he did love me behind all the deceptions and losing me broke his heart too. maybe. but i cried for a different reason: why did you still wouldnt tell me the truth? why did i stayed with you for the past 10 months for? i feel used.
then, we lost contact. he disappeared from my life.
and i ran to JC. i stayed.
i was reading this facebook note when i came to realize that this note was written on my birthday. and it kinda makes me want to reflect to where my life has been so far, since the so-called-life-change occured.
i am just so glad now that i chose to stay. eventhough the fact that i stayed might have been a form of my escape from the pain experienced. that life-change did not fit into any of the ten categories mentioned, it was actually more painful than any of the things mentioned. it was unexpected and uh... kinda dramatic. it was something i thought would only happen in tv shows but not in real life or my life!
i was betrayed, hurt, deceived, swindled, whatever you want to call it by the person i hold very dear to my heart. my ex-boyfriend, for the whole 10 months of our relationship has been lying to me about everything he is, what he does, where he lives, to the extent i couldnt even imagine! and there i was, so dumb, so blinded by love, never noticing nor suspicious about anything until he disappeared.
disappear, you say? where did he disappear to?
someones broke the news to me. his sudden disappearance was because he was taken into custody in detention centre to be deported and all the story about his work, his house and his everything is basically just a gigantic well made up lie since he doesnt even have a passport as much as he doesnt have a place to live!
wouldnt this kind of news turn your world upside down?
i didnt want to believe, but they have evidence.
i was utterly devastated.
i took a sickie that week and cried for a whole week. maybe two.
come to think about it, it all does make sense...
he came to my place everyday to have dinner, watch movies together with me and left very late although i have morning classes the next day.
now i know it was because he needed a shelter.
he wouldnt take me to eat at nice places although he knew i want to go so much.
now i know it was because he couldnt afford it.
he didnt tell me of his circumstances even after i know from someone else.
...
do you know what he told me?
what?
he said that he was not in town due to work assigment, that his office sent him to someplace faraway. when he needed to go back to our home country, he said it was because his parents needed him, urgently. and what a fortunate thing for him that during those times i was out of town myself so i wouldnt be able to go and send him to the airport.
unbelievable! i deduced it was because of his pride. he was ashamed to be such person that he built a lie so extravagant to get acceptance from people. and from me.
he never told me till the end. no, never. he still called me though and continued with the lies. i played along.
then i told him i want to leave him.
we both cried that night, on the phone. like idiots.
i dont know exactly why he cried. maybe he did love me behind all the deceptions and losing me broke his heart too. maybe. but i cried for a different reason: why did you still wouldnt tell me the truth? why did i stayed with you for the past 10 months for? i feel used.
then, we lost contact. he disappeared from my life.
and i ran to JC. i stayed.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)